90 min +1: There will be two extra minutes. Terry kicks Meyer, but escapes a daft booking.

90 min: Corner for Schalke! Uchida, their one bright light tonight, wins that one. He needn’t have bothered, Clemens sending the set piece straight down the throat of Courtois.

87 min: Schalke have been a risible shambles all evening, and Felipe Santana nearly puts the tin lid on it by falling asleep 30 yards from goal and allowing Drogba to steal the ball and make for the area with extreme prejudice. Fortunately for the inept defender, inept goalkeeper Fahrmann comes out to cause a little confusion, and despite Schurrle arriving on the slapstick scene too, Schalke just about to collectively bundle the ball away from danger. What a schower!

86 min: Drogba tears off down the inside-left channel and backheels a pass inside for Schurrle, whose low shot is blocked by Fahrmann. The flag goes up for offside, saving the hosts from another wave of attack.

85 min: Finally, a little defiance from the home support, who give it some Schalke!!! to the pounding of the big bass drum.

83 min: Schurrle isn’t far away from ramming home a Willian left-wing cross. Schalke would now settle for 0-5.

81 min: There’s still a rare old atmosphere in this huge stadium, but the home fans aren’t contributing to it very much. In fact, plenty of them are departing in that lofty vehicle, high dudgeon.

79 min: Schurrle comes on for Fabregas. Schalke have been totally outclassed in every single department, and now one World Cup winner’s been replaced by another!

75 min: Oscar is replaced by Ramires.

74 min: Hazard flicks a clever one around the corner and down the inside-left channel to release Oscar on goal. The flag goes up for offside, but that one was very marginal. Chelsea don’t bother complaining much, though if the scores were level, or Schalke were any sort of threat, they might have taken a more robust debating approach.

73 min: Chelsea are just running down the clock now. A lot of passing around the back. Schalke aren’t of a mind to press the point, or indeed press Chelsea. A sense that both sides would take 0-3 now.

71 min: Uchida bombs forward down the right again. His low ball into the box is cleared up by Hazard. It’s been a proper all-round team performance by Chelsea, this. I suppose you could say the same thing about Schalke, albeit to make a very different point.

68 min: Terry skittles Huntelaar, 35 yards from the Chelsea goal. The free kick allows Schalke the opportunity to lift the ball into the Chelsea box. It’s headed clear in the fuss-free manner by Cahill. The home fans can’t even be bothered to whistle any more.

66 min: Diego Costa is replaced by Didier Drogba.

65 min: Courtois has something to do! It’s to catch a wafted shot from Howedes, 20 yards out down the left. Easy as you like. Chelsea have shown their class tonight, but the hosts have been appalling.

64 min: Max Meyer comes on for Kevin Prince Boateng.

62 min: Chelsea really should be four up now. Willian romps down the middle of the park on a break, Schalke having slipped back into Pathetic Mode again. He’s got Diego Costa to his right, screaming to be put clear, but he dillies and dallies and eventually slides it left to Oscar who drops a shoulder, cuts inside, and sees his shot blocked. The ball spins across to Diego Costa, just inside the area on the right. He should lash home, with only the hapless Fahrmann to beat, but miskicks. A double whammy of frustration. He really should have been sent clear down the middle by Willian, and discusses the matter with some feeling.

60 min: Willian is released into acres down the left. He’s got nobody in support, so waits until Ivanovic arrives down the other flank. Willian lifts the ball across the box, and from the right-hand corner of the box, Ivanovic creams a stunning shot towards the top left. It’s high and wide, but only by a millimetre or so each way. That was as close as it comes. What a goal that would have been!

58 min: Diego Costa hasn’t got a Champions League goal yet for Chelsea, and perhaps this strange anomaly is preying on his mind. Fabregas rakes a long ball down the left, and he’s clear on goal. But again he fannies around, allowing Felipe Santana to get back and nick the ball away. Where’s the Premier League’s Diego Costa?

56 min: Uchida goes on another romp down the right. He’s been as superb as his team-mates have been bad. He reaches the byline and pulls a ball back for Clemens, who prepares to pull the trigger from 12 yards, but finds the ball blocked by Terry. A little better by Schalke, this. It couldn’t get any worse.

53 min: Uchida whips a cross into the Chelsea area from the right. Clemens, who has been busy since his introduction, tries to guide a header into the bottom left, but that’s Courtois’s all the way. Huntelaar, standing behind Clemens, might have got a little more purchase on that, but when nothing’s going right, nothing’s going right.

50 min: Hazard, twisting and turning down the inside-left channel, isn’t far from breaking clear. He’s bustled off the ball, and then Diego Costa is flagged for offside with the move breaking down anyway.

49 min: Huntelaar, out on the left, crosses low for Clemens. Azpilicueta hacks out for a corner. Chelsea intercept the resulting cross immediately and stream upfield, Diego Costa raking the ball to the right for Fabregas, who then crosses deep for Willian, six yards out at the far post. He should volley goalwards, but opts to lay off inside for Oscar instead. Bad choice, as Uchida, Schalke’s one ray of light this evening, breaks up the move. That was so nearly a picture-book goal.

48 min: Fifteen minutes plus a couple of knocking it around the back were clearly not enough. Under no pressure whatsoever, Felipe Santana allows himself to be brushed off the ball down the Chelsea left. Diego Costa tears off into the box. He rather foolishly pauses, opening his body to sidefoot across Fahrmann and into the bottom right. That allows Felipe Santana to wake up and get a toe to the ball, hoicking it out for a corner from which nothing happens.

47 min: Schalke knock it around the back, with a view to clearing their heads. Fifteen minutes at the break clearly not enough.

Half-time repast: The Arena AufSchalke has been known to serve over 2,500kg of sausage, 1,000 square metres of pizza, presumably with some of that sausage on it, and 7,000 pretzels per match. So take your pick.

No Bovril, though.

43 min: Hazard pitching-wedges a ball down the middle. Oscar attempts to loop the ball into the top left. Fahrmann gets a hand to the ball, the ball out for a corner on the left. And then ...

40 min: Another corner for Schalke down the right, where Uchida has been a constant menace, perhaps the only Schalke to make a positive impression so far. It only results in Chelsea tearing upfield, Fabregas very nearly breaking clear into the area. Then there’s more Chelsea triangulation, Oscar nearly released into the box down the centre. Finally Hoger plays a godawful backpass down the Chelsea left. Diego Costa is free, and would have rounded Fahrmann on the outside had he not slipped. Felipe Santana makes it back to usher the ball out of play for a corner before Diego Costa can whack the ball into the empty net. The corner comes to nothing, but this is pathetic from Schalke now, as good as Chelsea have been.

39 min: Fabregas robs Boateng with ease in the middle of the park. For a second, Chelsea are five on three, but they uncharacteristically faff about and the chance of a dangerous break is gone.

37 min: Chelsea Ping It Around The Back pt.XXVIII.

35 min: A bit better from Schalke, with Kirchhoff winning a corner down the right. The set piece is a complete nonsense, and easily cleared by Chelsea.

33 min: Kirchhoff has time to take a shot from 20 yards, but opts to flick one forward along the inside-right channel for Boateng. Nope. Way too much juice on that. The crowd offer trenchant analysis by pursing their lips and blowing out quite hard.

31 min: Fahrmann at least had the good grace to punt the ball back upfield for the restart in theatrical fashion. Feelings of great embarrassment. There might be more to come, too, as Matic is winning everything in midfield, and Chelsea are probing at pace down both wings. It’s a masterclass so far.

28 min: Chelsea stroke it around the back awhile. They’re in complete control here.

25 min: Fabregas very nearly releases Diego Costa into the area down the left. The ball spins away for a goal kick. After looking for a few minutes like they were slowly getting back into the game, Schalke have suddenly regressed.

24 min: Oscar, cutting in from the right, exchanges passes along the edge of the box with Diego Costa. Eventually a gap opens for Diego Costa, who takes a low snap shot from inside the D. The ball’s deflected out left for a corner, and there’s more trouble for Schalke, as Fahrmann flaps under pressure from Terry. The ball falls towards Diego Costa, who guides it wide right with the goal gaping. His blushes are spared as the referee blows up for a free kick, Terry adjudged to have clattered the keeper with his arm. Probably, just about, though there wasn’t that much in it.

22 min: Howedes, halfway along the Schalke left, turns and plays a disgraceful back pass which gives Diego Costa a sniff. He’s an inch or so away from racing down the Chelsea right, rounding Fahrmann on the outside, and scoring, but the keeper, flying out of his area, hacks clear at the last. Schalke need to get their act together.

21 min: Schalke have seen a lot more of the ball since they hit the crossbar, though given their utterly risible start isn’t saying much. Boateng attempts to set the busy Uchida free down the right with a looping diagonal pass, but the ball zips off the turf and out of play.

19 min: Hoger is booked for a fairly blatant clip on Hazard as the Chelsea man embarks on a dainty ramble down the inside-left channel. The resulting free kick is a complete non-event.

17 min: Chelsea with the passing again. Fabregas puts an end to some metronomic action in the centre circle with a sudden pass down the middle. He’s very close to springing an adventurous Ivanovic clear, but Fahrmann comes to the edge of his area to gather.

15 min: That’s given the home side a little succour, and they string together a few passes in the Chelsea half. They don’t really go anywhere, but small acorns, and all that.

13 min: And after a ludicrously lop-sided opening period, Schalke nearly equalise! Uchida and Huntelaar exchange passes down the right. Choupo-Moting takes up possession down the channel, and has a dig from 25 yards. The ball balloons off Cahill’s ankle and loops over Courtois - and twangs off the crossbar! Chelsea clear, then breathe out.

12 min: Willian very nearly sends Diego Costa clear down the left. His pass does reach his team-mate, but Felipe Santana comes across to cover wonderfully well with a perfectly timed slide tackle. Superlative defending, because for a split second that looked like 0-2.

10 min: Chelsea are triangulating in a most aesthetically pleasing style. After nearly breaking through down the left, there’s a misplaced pass, and Huntelaar attempts to break upfield. He’s unceremoniously brushed off the ball by Matic, who is a beast, in the best sense of the word. He very nearly releases Diego Costa down the left, but there’s an offside flag. Does Matic already have the Premier League’s player of the season award in the bag? Yes.

8 min: Schalke have hardly touched the ball so far! Chelsea are in their pomp, strutting around as though they own the place. Which, right now, they effectively do. The home fans are already whistling their annoyance.

6 min: Hazard scampers into acres down the right. He reaches the byline and nearly finds Oscar in the middle with a low fizzer. Schalke, who are all over the shop, somehow hack clear through Howedes.

5 min: From the corner, Cahill climbs to win a header at the far post. He sends the ball back and down towards the penalty spot, where Ivanovic is free to take a shot. His first-time effort is blootered miles over the bar. What a chance!

4 min: This is a brilliant start by Chelsea. Willian romps down the right and wins a corner off Aogo. On the touchline, Roberto Di Matteo allows one of those I’m OK Honestly smiles to play across his chops. He’s not, though, is he.

The teams are out! Quite an atmosphere in the 54,000-seat Arena AufSchalke, which, if you narrow your eyes a little, has a smidgen of the Stamford Bridges about it.

Schalke are playing in their famous blue shirts, so Chelsea are wearing their drug-abuser’s-urine-yellow away number. Chelsea exude more gravitas in blue than drug-abuser’s-urine yellow. Captains Benedikt Howedes and John Terry exchange pennants, shake hands and toss coins, and we’ll be off in a minute.

Thoughts this evening inevitably turn to a couple of former Chelsea managers. There’s Roberto Di Matteo, of course, sat in the opposing dugout, having just taken over at Gelsenkirchen giants Schalke. Di Matteo is the man who led Chelsea to their first European Cup back in 2012, as well as an FA Cup, a bona fide club legend on and off the pitch. But chances are he wouldn’t have had the chance to do any of that without the efforts back in the day of another erstwhile Chelsea hero, John Neal, who managed the club between 1981 and 1985, and passed away at the weekend.

This is Chelsea’s first match since Neal’s death. It’s fitting that it’s being played in Europe’s premier club competition, because goodness knows where the club would be today were it not for their old boss. Chelsea were seemingly on an inexorable descent into oblivion when Neal took over in May 1981. The final 847 minutes of their 1980/81 Second Division campaign, under the yoke of Geoff Hurst, yielded a grand total of zero goals. The club had no money, the ruinous East Stand standing as a monument to a series of risible business decisions, and real-estate magnates circled Stamford Bridge, smelling blood.

Neal’s revolution wasn’t instant - Chelsea were nearly relegated to the Third Division for the first time in their existence in 1983 - but the wily bargain purchases of Kerry Dixon, David Speedie, Pat Nevin, Eddie Niedzwiecki and Nigel Spackman eventually turned things around. One of the prettiest Chelsea sides romped to the 1983/84 Second Division championship, then finished a highly creditable sixth on their return to the top flight, after which illness caused Neal to step down. There would still be bumps in the road to navigate before Chelsea became the behemoth they are today - not least a careless relegation in 1988 - but it’s fair to argue that without Neal’s efforts in the early to mid 1980s, the 1990s and beyond would have looked very different round Fulham Broadway. And we’ve not even touched on what he did at Wrexham, promotions, scalps in the FA Cup and Europe, and all. May one of football’s unsung heroes rest in peace.

So here we are, three decades on, and Chelsea are looking for their second European Cup. Di Matteo - still smarting from his sacking six months after winning the first one, if his unwillingness to speak about the matter this week is anything to go by - stands in Chelsea’s way tonight. Should Jose Mourinho’s side win here in Germany, they’ll be guaranteed to go through as group winners. Should Schalke, who drew 1-1 at Stamford Bridge, prevail, they’ll be in the box seat to win the group, leading Chelsea on the head-to-head, and qualification will still be all to play for. This could be a cracker. It’s on!

Kick off: 8.45pm in Gelsenkirchen, 7.45pm in London.