An entry-level understanding of the range and variety of human emotion

DANTE PIQUED

What do Thomas Müller and the Fiver have in common? Diddly-squat, you might think. After all, one is a ruthlessly efficient World Cup-winning German playing in his prime with a canny knack of finding space and sticking the ol’ pig skin in the onion bag, the other a ruthlessly inefficient tea-timely email, past our best, with a canny knack of finding too much time on our hands and smelling of onio… oh, you know the rest.

However, there are three things that entwine us. One, a desperate need for us both to pull our socks up; two, a penchant for spilling large quantities of alcohol all over ourselves and the people around us, and perhaps most topically, that both our jokes are wearing a little thin. For the Fiver, this has been the case for a long while, but for the thin-legged Raumdeuter, his japes have only recently started to irk.

Specifically, the irked one in question is Bayern Munich’s Brazilian defender Dante, who today ran straight to the headmaster’s office to dob his club team-mate in for a textbook case of playground tomfoolery gone too far, regarding Germany’s 7-1 clobbering of the Seleção in last summer’s World Cup semi-final. “The Germans joked about it, especially just after the game, up to the moment when I said it was the time to stop. The 7-1 was something more serious than people realised,” wept Dante.

“We can joke about anything, but not about this. Not all the Germans were like this but Thomas is the big joker. I said to him: ‘If you don’t stop, I’m going to hit you in every training session.’ This doesn’t make me laugh and when someone doesn’t laugh, it means they are annoyed,” added the defender, showing a very entry-level understanding of the range and variety of human emotion.

What is more, the abuse isn’t just contained to Bayern’s dressing room. “I felt that people have sort of pushed me to one side since then, in restaurants, in the street,” sobbed the long-suffering centre-back. “I only think when you are sad and have endured this sort of upset, you need some affection from people who are close to you, to help recover your self-esteem.”

Sounds like someone needs a hug.

LIVE ON BIG WEBSITE TONIGHT

Join Michael Butler from 7pm GMT for MBM coverage of Atlético Madrid 1-1 Real Madrid in the Copa del Rey.

QUOTE OF THE DAY I

“They need to improve if they’re going to get better” – Steve McManaman offers some invaluable insight during Everton v West Ham on Tuesday night.

QUOTE OF THE DAY II

“We just started thinking in the universe of players that are out there, we want to make a decision on what signifies a Galaxy-designated player” – LA Galaxy president Chris Klein gets lost in space over the news that Steven Gerrard will be joining his club in the summer.

HEAD IN HANDS TWITTER POST OF THE DAY

When you find out you're reunited with #bae in LA. #StevieLAG pic.twitter.com/kfhactmuvS
— Major League Soccer (@MLS) January 7, 2015

No. Us neither.

FIVER LETTERS

“I am writing in response to JT McWoosh’s correspondence in yesterday’s Fiver raining on the current AFC Wimbledon parade because of the presence of a ‘Dorset Dons’ flag in the stands whilst fans were heard chanting ‘we support our local team’. The flag belongs to me, or to be more precise my dad. He and my grandad started supporting their local team, then Wimbledon FC in 1962. They made their escape from South London to the Dorset coast some years later, but their love affair with the Dons never diminished, indeed for many years the three of us would journey to Plough Lane, then Selhurst Park and more recently to Kingsmeadow. In fact we have had season tickets since AFC Wimbledon were formed, and my dad faithfully drives up to every home game and proudly hanging his ‘Dorset Dons’ flag in block H. Unfortunately my mum buys her sausages in Sainsbury’s rather than the local butchers, and dad has never knowingly stepped into a library, but nobody’s perfect” – James Bothamley.

“I was going to write in response to JT McWoosh’s (if that’s really his name) besmirching of ‘my’ team AFC Wimbledon for not being truly local, but then realized that sending an email from Canada was probably undermining my own argument. So instead, I’ll point out that a chant of ‘we support the concept of a local team, even if we may not necessarily be local ourselves’ does not have the same sing-song attributes of the shortened version sung by Dons fans” – Scott Henderson.

“Re: JT McWoosh (Yesterday’s Fiver letters). Really? Does he (she?) want to have a race? – Graham Quick.

“Two days into the new year and so far we have had t1tter and c0ckle. Are these words really altered for firewall purposes, or purely to let us know that you’ve written a rudie word?” – Tim Buchanan.

• Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet the Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is: James Bothamley.

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BITS AND BOBS

Barcelona manager Luís Enrique may be enveloped in a 12-storey crisis with a magnificent entrance hall, carpeting throughout, 24-hour porterage, and an enormous sign on the roof, saying ‘This Is a Large Crisis’, but says he has “had no ultimatum” from the club president.

Norwich City are in talks with Hamilton player-manager Alex Neil over their managerial vacancy.

Former refs chief Keith Hackett isn’t impressed with officiating standards in the Premier League. No sirree, he ain’t.

Manchester City’s rubbish then brilliant then rubbish again Matija Nastasic is set to sign for Schalke in a £10m deal.

West Ham’s Diafra Sakho is out of the Africa Cup of Nations with back-knack.

And that fluffy-bearded figure edging towards the Manchester United exit is David de Gea, following the news that former Barcelona keeper Víctor Valdés is set to sign for the club.