ON GARDE
By the time you read your favourite gut-bustingly amusing, searingly topical, savagely satirical email (we’re talking about The Fiver, smarty pants), then Remi Garde may well have been confirmed as Aston Villa’s new manager. That’s assuming the club don’t have a late change of heart, or Garde doesn’t take a look at Villa’s squad list, frown in bafflement at some of the names on it, ask ‘what’s a Gabby Agbonlahor?’ before the frown turns to horror, he screams and gets out of there as quickly and directly as possible, leaving a Remi Garde-shaped hole in the wall. Garde should be at Villa’s game against Tottenham on Monday night to inspect his new charges, but given how they’ve been playing recently it wouldn’t be a massive surprise should a club suit remark midway through the second half that ‘Remi’s been in the toilet a long time … I hope he’s OK’, before going to check on him and only finding an open window, gently swaying in the soupy north London air.
For Garde has quite a task on his hands, taking in such dire straits that they’re even below Premier League scrappers, chancers and no-hopers Newcastle, Sunderland and Chelsea. Villa are stone bottom, having not won a game since the opening day, flailing under the guidance of Tim Sherwood who seemed to construct his team line-ups like David Bowie used to write lyrics, writing words down, cutting them up then arranging them in a random order. That’s how we got such works of outlandish creativity as ‘You’re squawking like a pink monkey bird/And I’m busting up my brains for the words’, and José Ángel Crespo playing as a centre-half.
Hapless? Certainly. Hopeless? Perhaps not. Garde brings with him a fine reputation, having done very well under significant restrictions at Lyon, while at the same time helping to nurture young talents like Alexandre Lacazette and Nabil Fekir; since Villa have spent their relatively meagre budget on a collection of raw whipper snappers, one would think his prior experience will stand him in good stead.
“We almost have to play top-four standard of football points-wise to get us out of the trouble we’re in,” worried caretaker boss Kevin MacDonald, outlining the scale of Garde’s task. “If everything turns around, which hopefully it will, and we finish mid-table then I would like to think people would be eating their words. This is what players have to understand. They have to have that desire to ram words down people’s throats. I don’t mean that horribly. But that’s football – professional sport. Their pride is hurting – make no mistake about that. I imagine Jordan Ayew’s brother [Swansea’s André] is giving him a bit of stick. Whether people call it banter or not, people don’t like it. I know I don’t like it.” Amen, brother.
Garde is also good pals with Arsène Wenger, having played under the old boy for Arsenal and operated alongside him when doing telly punditry work for Canal+. The Fiver isn’t intimately familiar with the standard of analysis on French TV, but as long as Garde didn’t just gently intone ‘Il sera déçu par ce que’* over footage of Edinson Cavani missing an open goal, then they’re in safe hands. Or, at least, safer hands than the last bloke. Or the one before him. Or the one before him. So Godspeed, Remi. May you go well in your new adventure and hopefully you won’t realise you’ve made a huge mistake before you really even start. And if you find a tear-stained gilet in your office, don’t worry – Tim will be back for that in a few days.
*As fellow linguists** will know, this means: “He’ll be disappointed with that.”
**People who can use Google Translate
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QUOTE OF THE DAY
“Brian was a supporter of the Cobblers for many years, and was one of those responsible for setting up the club’s Supporters Trust, the first such organisation anywhere in the country. He played a huge role in helping the Cobblers through a difficult financial period following administration in the early 1990s and served as a director for many years that followed, being an elected representative of the trust on the club’s board” – Northampton Town pay tribute to Brian Lomax, the founder of the supporter’s trust movement, who has sadly died after an illness.
FIVER LETTERS
“I’m not saying this season’s football is boring and uninspiring but will someone please get back to me in respect to the height of those Portakabins in Barnsley please” – Flavio L’Abbate.
“I think Arsène Wenger might be on to something with his linking of knack to internationals (Friday’s Bits and Bobs). After all, Abou Diaby has made 16 performances for France, by my count (Wikipedia’s) and he’s had at least that many instances of knack. And before that he was crocked during youth internationals too. Whereas, famously uncapped Mikael Arteta is the living embodiment of fitness. What? Oh” – Matthew Atkinson.
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BITS AND BOBS
José Mourinho’s season o’ fun is set to continue with former Chelsea team doctor Eva Carneiro bringing an individual legal claim against him.
Meanwhile, Diego Costa won’t face any hot retrospective FA action for his clash with Liverpool’s Martin Skrtel during Chelsea’s home defeat to Liverpool.
Sigh.
Cambridge United have taken a punt and bundled manager Richard Money into it. “The club has taken this difficult decision due to the disappointing pattern of results over the last nine months,” sniffed a statement.
Danny Blind has booted Memphis Depay and Robin van Persie out of Holland’s squad for their friendly with Wales. “I think Depay is a player for the future but there are other issues to look at,” he parped. “Perhaps Louis van Gaal has also said something. In football you must function in a team. He doesn’t always do that. That’s something he has to learn.”
Delightful Italian football federation president Carlo Tavecchio is under pressure again over more discriminatory comments he’s alleged to have made, including: “I don’t have anything against gays but it’s better to keep them away from me.”
And Stockport County’s Andy Robinson still has the funk on after being sent off within seconds of coming on as a sub in the 1-0 National League North defeat at Solihull Moors, for apparently swearing at a linesman. “Disgusted will get justice #crime#myjob#mylivelyhood,” he tweeted.
STILL WANT MORE?
Our writers could have spent the weekend learning about the Apollo space mission or the intricacies of the Dewey Decimal system, instead they chose to learn 10 things from the weekend’s action in the Premier League.
If you thought all those kids throwing bangers at you was the most frightening thing you’ve seen this year, then you clearly haven’t been paying attention to Barcelona without Leo Messi but with Luis Suárez and Neymar. Sid Lowe has the skinny.
Are Robin van Persie and Theo Walcott about to link up again, albeit clad in Barcelona kits? The Rumour Mill speculates.
Moses, Luke Skywalker, Flik from A Bug’s Life and André Schubert all poke their heads into this week’s edition of Raphael Honigstein’s Bundesliga bash.
If you reckon those jeans you saw in Shoreditch the other day were the tightest things you’ve ever laid eyes upon, then you obviously haven’t seen the Italian title race, reckons Paolo Bandini.
On the very same day Pete Conrad and Alan Bean were off becoming Mr Third Man on the Moon and Mr Fourth Man on the Moon, Pelé was scoring his [COUGH! – Fiver Ed] 1,000th goal. Craig McCracken tells the crackin’ story.
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JAWS, ODDJOB, SHEENA EASTON AND THE 1982 OSCARS. SPECTRE? PFFT
