FLIES IN THE OINTMENT
It’s been quite a couple of days for everyone’s favourite world football governing body. First, Fifa revealed it had suffered a financial kick in the stones to the tune of £67m since allegations of mass corruption caused blind panic in the ranks last May. Then, before Fifa members even had time to belch as they prepared to get stuck into a pre-breakfast appetiser of wild boar and truffle oil sandwiches served direct by harp-playing cherubs at the five-star Baur Au Lac hotel in Zurich, a couple of their crew were nabbed by Swiss fuzz on suspicion “of accepting bribes of millions of dollars”.
Is that an echo we hear? Serial buffet botherers and Fifa vice-honchos Alfredo Hawit of Honduras and Juan Ángel Napout of Paraguay were hooked on orders issued by the USA! USA!! USA!!! Department of Justice, an organisation that has made more interceptions than the CIA and Javier Mascherano combined this year. Given that it all happened at the exact same place where nine of their mob were hauled off in identical raids six months ago, The Fiver is not in the least bit surprised. In fact, the only people who found any of it eye-opening were the same Fifa folk who watched their counterparts get zapped like flies in an electrocutor last May and yet swarmed back to the exact same spot to fill their faces feeling cosy in the belief it was just a one-off and couldn’t possibly happen again. Ziiiiiiiiiiiiiaaaaaaaaap! Zeeeeeeeeeeuuuuuuuup!
“It was like someone had died,” sniffed Brazilian Fifa executive committee member Fernando Sarney. “Everybody was surprised, the feeling was like it’s happening again, that it’s something we think is personal. It was supposed to be a positive day today with the reforms and a lot of changes, compliance, transparency.” Oh, yes. Reform. Compliance. Transparency. Breathe it in. The Alpine winds of change are whistling through Fifa’s corridors of power. Yesireee. The kind of reform that led to Fifa members who weren’t busy being zapped pushing forward plans to expand the World Cup to 40 teams instead of 32, a move that would surely help rid the dormant volcano that serves as Fifa’s lair of that stench of pomposity that’s clung to it for so long. Oh. Well, it would at least help get its dwindling reservoir of cash back up to capacity, what with all those lucrative sponsorship deals to sort out that it has handled so well in the past.
But for all Fifa’s faults it can’t be said it doesn’t get things done. Even as it staggers around like a bloodied and deranged headless chicken, it is busier than ever messing stuff up, meddling with a format that already looks as bloated as Comic Book Guy from The Simpsons after a weekend of extreme eating. Big Cup tombola overlord and one of the Fifa presidential candidates, Gianni Infantino, reckons the expansion will create “new enthusiasm” for the tournament as the likes of Cuba, St Kitts and Nevis, Accrington Stanley and Shortbread McFiver’s five-a-side team get a better chance of playing in a World Cup that would likely start in 2026 and not end until 2030, when the Big Show would be ready to kick off all over again. Has your buzz been killed yet?
In any case, the decision to ratify the new format has been deferred, perhaps until the long arm of the law has finished whisking Fifa bods off for extradition. It’s still expected to be ratified, though. Of course it is. Even if Fifa’s lair was left broken and abandoned after a mass cull, you expect a flea-bitten moggy would emerge from under a rock to sign off on a deal that meant the World Cup was going to be played on the moon. It’s just the way it is.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
13 October: “He takes it all very personally and has an air of arrogance. He’s not one for inviting you into his office for a drink after the game” – Sam Allardyce tries to shift a few copies of his book with some chat about Arsène Wenger.
3 December: “I have always had a huge amount of respect for Arsène and his quality as a manager” – Allardyce prepares for Sunderland’s trip to Arsenal on Saturday.
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BITS AND BOBS
Pie-tax news: Nasty Leeds fans are tired of spending their hard-earned crust so they won’t be filling the stands for Saturday’s home game against Hull. Supporters have arranged a walk-out for Massimo Cellino’s favourite minute, the 17th. “There’s a big appetite among fans to protest in this way,” honked organiser John Bond.
Valencia have wheeled Gary Neville out in front of the Spanish media and travelling English hacks. “If I’d turned down this job [I’d] have said goodbye to my credibility,” he trilled.
Real Madrid could be thrown out of the Copa del Rey after fielding the ineligible Denis Cheryshev against Cadiz on Wednesday. “We decided to do this with a heavy heart,” whooped Cadiz president Manuel Vizcaino, barely audible over the sound of champagne corks popping, after reporting Real to The Man. “But it is our firm decision.”
Massimiliano Allegri has played down reports linking him with a move to Manchester United. Sort of. “I have a contract running until 2017,” he said. “I’m happy here and I’m focused on Juventus’ objectives.” Which doesn’t really mean much when you think about it.
Neil Lennon reckons crisis club Bolton Wanderers will be out of the mire soon. “People are talking to solicitors,” he cheered. “It’s basically a question of who can come up with the money first.”
Union Jack Grealish faces another week with the Aston Villa U-21s. “I know when he might return, he knows as well and when he will I will tell you,” teased Rémi Garde.
And Laurentiu Reghecampf is leaving Bulgarian club Litex Lovech to take charge at Steaua Bucharest. “I made him an offer he couldn’t refuse,” purred Steaua owner Gigi Becali.
STILL WANT MORE?
A Fifa run by Catwoman, Grace Jones in A View To A Kill and Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction couldn’t be any worse than what we’ve got now, writes Marina Hyde.
Dominic Fifield dons his tin hat and risks writing “Liverpool”, “Premier League” and “title” in the same sentence.
Messi magic, Ian Wright flogging coffee, and a Roy Carroll clanger – it’s this week’s Classic YouTube!
Gary Neville’s bon mots from the commentary booth are at an end for now: see how many of his moments on the mic you can remember in this here quiz.
Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, people of all ages, the FA Cup is your main event … or at least it should be, reckons Paul Wilson.
Boring football + Manchester United ≈ The Sack … floating brain in a jar Jonathan Wilson sends out a warning to Louis van Gaal.
United could take a leaf out of Freiburg’s book and give their man time, like the German club did with Christian Streich. Jason Humphreys tells their tale.
Fifa, eh? What does it all mean? Owen Gibson knows.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace.
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