Nothing says spring like the slightly lighter shade of dark grey sky now enveloping the United Kingdom – though of course this may simply be an optical illusion created by the metaphorical eternal spring bestowed upon us from this very day. Suddenly, we are able to do everything we have always done, except with added fearfulness for the future, and if that isn’t worth celebrating, then what is? Exactly.
As befits such time, economic migrant José Mourinho is keen to buy some more younglings to nurture. Nonetheless the headline accusing him of a “£40m Dier Move”, looks suspiciously like a typo. But no: apparently he really does see Spurs’ Eric Dier as a suitable replacement for Michael Carrick, given that he is, er, also, er, er, er – tall? For the missing vision, passing, nous and composure, Manchester United’s Mourinho will look elsewhere. Tiemoué Bakayoko has been relocated after vanishing for chunks of Monaco’s Champions League tie against Manchester City, though he intends to compete in the competition again, and Chelsea are also interested.
And Mourinho would also like a striker. Casting the net far and wide, his legendary eye for a player employed all the while, he has spotted an unknown at Atlético Madrid by the name of Antoine Griezmann. The plans is to spend an obscene amount of money securing his services before unnecessarily leaving him out for six months in order that he learn subservience.
Nor will Mourinho stop there. In typically po-faced fashion, he has grown tired of the Smalling-Jones slapstick double-act, and intends to sell at least one of them. Showcasing once again the imagination for which he is so revered, he has uncovered an alternative at – Atlético Madrid. No doubt José Giménez will be seduced by the prestigious name of Manchester United, the romance of the Europa League, and the glory of few more zeroes.
Elsewhere, Slaven Bilic’s job is under threat. Amazingly, a club which has always relied on a strong home record generated by a tight ground, has struggled in an appalling hangar with less atmosphere than a vacuum; understandably, the board deem the manager responsible. So, without a win in five games, West Ham are considering getting Rafael Benítez from Newcastle United; Benítez is vexed that he wasn’t allowed to sign anyone in January, forced instead to focus on extracting the most from what he already had, as though he was some sort of football manager.
Across London, Antonio Conte would like to buy Alexis Sánchez. Arsenal, though, are still just about convincing themselves that Chelsea are some kind of rival, making them unwilling to sell. They are, though, resigned to losing the player and will demand a fee of £50m, exclusive of weird dog banners. Internazionale, Paris Saint-Germain and Juventus are all keen to do business.
Conte also has his eye on Middlesbrough’s Ben Gibson. Should Boro go down, the board know that he will leave, but on the other hand, should Boro go down, the board know that he will leave; Manchester City, Liverpool and Spurs are also interested.
And finally, Chelsea plan to offer Eden Hazard £300,000--a-week to stay at Stamford Bridge; whether that constitutes sufficient danger money to endure daily sightings of Diego Costa and John Terry in the altogether remains to be seen. Even so, Hazard may gamble that Cristiano Ronaldo, Gareth Bale, Luka Modric and Toni Kroos are more fun to play with than Marcos Alonso, Gary Cahill, Victor Moses and Nemanja Matic – though , either way, the Premier League will continue putting the “Great” back into “Britain”.
Happy unremitting Independence Day, everyone!
