Anyway, thanks all for your company and comments - sorry I couldn’t use them all. Otherwise, enjoy the rest of your weekends, happy easter and chag sameach. Bye!

Well fellow football mavens (or mevinim, if you prefer) - as football mavens, obviously we all expected that, didn’t we? That being, for the first time this season - the first time in two seasons - United played for 90 minutes, and with intensity and conviction; why? Anwyay, they were well-worth their win, and though they’re still stroogling for the top four, the momentum, confidence and pro forma will help them in Europe. The question now is whether and how they change things, given the difference made by two quick, busy players up front, and whether for Marcus Rashford that was a landmark performance.

Chelsea, on the other hand, just need to forget that this afternoon ever happened. Over 32 games they’ve proved themselves the best team in the league, they’re still top, and have more than enough to get the points they need to become champions. But for the first time, they’ll be thinking about things.

90+4 min In commentary, it is noted that the handball before united’s first goal can be Chelsea’s only complaint. Sagely, Martin Tyler notes that they had 83 minutes to resolve matters, and I agree - if you’re arsed about refereeing decisions, you’re doing football wrong. Here’s something to read on that.

90+3 min Tim Fosu-Mensah is rewarded for bringing Mourinho an apple, brought on for Ashley Young.

90+2 min “The standard Mourinho late substitution this season has been put on Fellaini ‘to shore up the defence’ after which United look massively more unstable,” emails Adam Roberts. “Maybe he’ll learn from the calm presence of Carrick after today?”

I’d agree with that, though Fellaini has played well today, harnessing his mongrel and making some useful passes and challenges.

90+1 min There shall be four added minutes, we’re told, as Gary Neville nominates Herrera as his man of the match, for making a goal, scoring a goal, and nullifying the best player in the league. I’d still have gone Rashford, who set the tone of the game, but yo can’t really argue.

90 min Fabregas is late on Carrick, who goes through with his clearance anyway before being caught with a trailing leg. He’s briefly feart of a red card, but the yellow he’s given is fair.

88 min Chelsea appear to have accepted the result. Of course, they’re still putting it in, but as a matter of principle, not with kavana.

86 min Assuming, for a second, the scoreline stays as it is, Chelsea’s lead will be four points. Will that be enough? With apologies for coming over all Garry Cook and answering my own questions, I’d say so: needing to gain two games with only six left is pretty difficult, all the more so given that Chelsea haven’t looked likely to falter. Anyhow, in fascinating subplot news, the meet Spurs in the Cup semi-final next Saturday.

84 min Cahill welcomes Ibrahimovic to the game with a late challenge on halfway.

82 min Change for United: with the game won(!), Marcus Rashford, who has been a one-man forward-line, is replaced, and the young whipper-snapper, Zlatan Ibrahimovic, given a run-out.

81 min United are bushed. Both Pogba and Young have recently had the ball at their feet and space in front of them, but neither had the kayach to keep going.

79 min Fabregas, who’s made a difference, lifts another pass over the top, this one for Hazard, and he does all he can to catch up with it, sliding down the slope behind the line in the process. Meantime, Martin Tyler takes us along a line of ex-players in the crowd, completely failing to recognise the grey-bearded Franck Lebouef. My churlish mind finds this amusing.

77 min Chelsea still push - perhaps Carrick for Lingard invited them to do that, perhaps it’s natural for United to drop, perhaps the better team are just playing better. Anyway, they win another right-wing corner, and again United get it away. They’ve defended really well today, second balls and loose balls especially.

75 min Fabregas unfurls a long, straight pass over Rojo, looking for Costa; Rojo drags him down and is booked, before the free-kick sails into De Gea’s clammy hands.

74 min It’s not a question that appears to have vexed Mourinho, but throughout this season, there have been suggestions that United might be better off without Zlatan. Not because he isn’t good, but because they need mobility up front. Perhaps, though, the answer is just to play two strikers - a diamond might work with this squad, given Pogba and the lack of wingers.

73 min It’s absolutely caning it down now, as Hazard runs away from Herrera towards the touchline. Shin must clip heel, because Hazard quickly finds himself on the floor, and is booked.

72 min Pedro gets in behind Darmian and laces a low cross looking for Costa, but De Gea dives to snaffle.

71 min Similarly, if only it was Matic who was unwell and not Alonso, we could have the headline ILLMATIC.

69 min I know it’s worse than murder, but I’d love Matic to gob at someone some day, so we can have the headline PHLEGM MATIC! Anyway, Rashford, found by Fellaini rousts at Luiz and Kante twisting this way and that, pulling the former over, and lashing a shot towards the near post that Begovic dives to claim. This has been an excellent display of centre-forward play.

68 min Chelsea are beginning to exert authority. No chances as yet, but if they score once, you’d not back against them scoring or this United conceding. Oh, and Willian is on for Matic.

66 min Herrera and Costa arge and barge in the box, so there’s a delay pre-corner. Eventually it comes in, picking out the obvious mismatch that is those two, but Herrera does superbly to slide in, facing his own net, and wrap his foot around the ball which allows one of his chumsies to clear.

64 min I say this advisedly, but Chelsea look bereft of ideas. As I say that, though, Hazard burrows into the United box at inside-left, forcing Bailly to concede a corner. Rojo powers is away, and when the ball comes back, Pedro, wide on the right, cuts inside and flings a curler over the top. De Gea must’ve got a touch, though, as it’s another corner.

61 min Fellaini does really well to mug Azpilicueta and Fabregas, poking back to Carrick, who immediately slides a lovely pass forward to Rashford. On the half-turn, he slams in a shot from 20 yards that ruffles the side-netting.

60 min “They’ve got their own handshake like the Tottenham boys,” says Martin Tyler, as Lingard says farewell to Rashford. Who’s going to tell him? Anyway, Carrick is on.

59 min What United have shown today - and the two up front have made it so - is the rabidity that’s been missing in pretty much every other game this season. If they’d played with this attitude on a regular basis, they would not be locked into a loveless marriage with sixth place.

58 min Fabregas shows why he’s on the pitch, a quick free-kick hit with expert’s eyes and instep, catching Bailly and finding Costa. But Rojo was on hand to smuggle the ball back to De Gea.

57 min And here comes that change - Michael Carrick is preparing himself.

56 min Mourinho also got his team spot-on in midweek, then ruined it with a bad substitution, taking off the excellent Rashford and replacing him with the less than excellent Fellaini, who duly did nothing as Dendoncker powered past him to equalise for Anderlecht. Can he keep it going this afternoon?

55 min Change for Chelsea: off goes Moses, to pursue sea-splitting peripherals, and on comes Fabregas. Chelsea go to a back-four, with Azpilicueta on the right and Zouma on the left. Hazard is now playing as a number ten.

54 min This game is far from over, but perhaps this is the signature win that Mourinho needed. Under him, they’ve beaten only Spurs of the top seven, and that in a low-key before they seriously got going. This, perhaps, is different.

52 min Oh dear, oh dear. After that first cross from Young that Luiz cleared, Cahill helped up Lingard, who had attacked it, as the ball was coming back in. Noogies and wedgies for him when they get back to the dressing room.

52 min Again, Lingard finds Rashford, receives the return, and lashes a shot over the top.

48 min Cahill takes a chance, stretching high and hard to win a loose ball off Fellaini; he misses, and is booked.

47 min In synagogue tomorrow, we read about the crossing of the Red Sea; Moses plays for Chelsea. I’ll take 10% of all winnings.

46 min Darmian is in sharply on Pedro, deep inside the Chelsea half - United start the second half as they played the first, as they’ve played very little of the season.

46 min Willian is getting himself ready.

46 min We go again.

“It sounds like a great game,” writes Ian Copestake. “All niggle and potential handbags. Who needs geniuses when we have grown men doing petulance and simmering resentment?”

O jogo bonito incarnate.

“Bobby Madley seems to have a blind spot for arms,” emails Nate Elliott. “First he ignores Herrera’s extended arm in the lead-up to the goal. Then he watches Rojo swing an arm (twice) at Costa but takes no action. He’s not excelling himself today, is he?”

I’ll cut him a break on the latter, he’ll be relieved to know - I’m not sure there was very much in either of those. But missing the handball was odd - my inclination is he thought it was fast enough and close enough to deem accidental.

Mourinho being Mourinho, will he leave things alone or, knowing that Conte will adjust, try and pre-empt him?

So, Antonio Conte has work to do, but in a way he’ll be pleased. The available evidence tells him that he’ll rearrange successfully, he knows his players won’t play as badly in the second half, and also that United have but a one-goal lead. We should be in for a belter.

45+2 min Valencia, deep inside the Chelsea half, darts in off the touchline and finds Lingard, who lays back for Young ... he thrashes a presentable chance a quite remarkable distance over the top.

45 min There shall be two additional minutes, a minimum of.

45 min Tyler says that perhaps Conte has been caught out by Mourinho playing the same way at Old Trafford as he did in Cup at Stamford Bridge. There are two differences, though: one is Rashford up front, and the other is a proper partner for him.

44 min Neville reckons Hazard should play down the left, taking Herrera out of the game; he’s certainly got to do something, because it’s passing him by.

41 min Chelsea have been better these last few minutes, with Lingard and Rashford quieter. But they link again down the right, making Cahill look like, er, Cahill, before Luiz and Moses rescue him.

39 min “I reckon Mourinho finds most football mundane,” melfis Kevin Wilson - presumably not the Kevin Wilson. “How can he be motivated against the likes of Burnley or Stoke? He lives for grudge matches. Barcelona, Chelsea, Real Madrid - teams who’ve wronged him in the past. So he makes sure he picks the players in his image. Workhorses like Valencia or Young, or thugs like Rojo and Fellaini, with Herrera somewhere in the middle.”

His needle seems to have lost that air of mischief that made him likeable in the first place; he doesn’t really seem to be enjoying himself anymore. What we’ve seen so far today, though, is much more like the old him.

37 min This Rojo-Costa rumble is nurturing a pleasing tetch. A long ball sees Azpilicueta shove Young in the back and nod across, where the pair compete. Both end up on the floor, Rojo behind Costa, and he wraps an arm around his neck before both fling themselves to the ground, each clutching his phizog. The ref tells them to behave.

35 min Chelsea win a free-kick down the right which Hazard will take - Rojo thunks it away.

35 min “I used to keep my place in the Sunday league team by washing the kit,” admits Alun Pugh. “Always collected it in a black bin liner and threw it in my garage after the game. It stank so my line manager wouldn’t have it in the house. But one Sunday night after a few beers I put one bag too many out for the Monday bin men. Try explaining to your team why a dozen newish jerseys and shorts ended up in landfill.”

Minds me of this, courtesy of red hockey bibs.

33 min Costa is on a rolling boil, and can’t help but extend on Pogba, with the ball gone. Studs are imparted to instep, and that’s a booking.

32 min Hazard is wandering about pulling Herrera into places he might rather avoid. Gary Neville suggests he try and make him defend - I think what we’re seeing here is the benefit of the extra man at the back. Wherever Herrera goes, his team won’t be short-handed, even if those hands are hamfists, another problem entirely.

30 min In commentary, Tyler and Neville are discussing the understanding between Lingard and Rashford, though they’ve never played together as a pair. This is only half an hour of one game, but Andy Cole and Dwight Yorke were generally on opposing sides in training, then one day they were paired together at Southampton and things just worked.

29 min Rashford is all over this, speedwriggling between two challenges down the right before laying back to Pogba. He espies Young, loitering outside the box, but the pass is slightly behind him, and as a consequence, the ensuing shot bobbles wide of the far post.

27 min Chelsea have swapped their wing-backs, presumably to get Azpilicueta on Rashford, who’s enjoying bare joy down the right.

26 min “John Robertson was a football genius,” tweets Gary Naylor. “Main man in a double European Cup winning side all from the 1 yard of space he played in.”

The Andy Reid of his day. But yep - I’m a bit young to have seen him, but the consensus says aye.

25 min Luiz charges forward and a heavy touch is about to see the move break down; ever the gent, Fellaini obliges him with a foul. He’s given a warning, but no card.

23 min United win a free-kick 25 yards out, right of centre, which Rashford bends in. Kante dives to head clear and Chelsea break menacingly, but are quickly unloaded, whereupon Rashford screeches around Moses and whips over a cross from the right. Fellaini can’t quite get over to the near post, but even so, Begovic has to dive and strongarm clear.

22 min What we’re seeing from United is the benefit of two men up front. Given Ibrahimovic’s desire to drop off, and the unwillingness of the rest to pile into the box, they look far more dangerous than usual, looking to score rather than waiting for it to happen.

20 min The answer is eight minutes; the question is how long does it take for Rojo to extract revenge. He reaches around Costa to reach a goalkick, introducing studs to ankle. The free-kick is cleared easily.

19 min Antonio Conte is wearing a baseball cap with his syoot. The score is a fair reflection of that.

18 min Amazingly, this is quite a good game - when Chelsea get going, we could have something serious.

16 min Excellent from United, Valencia hammering a low pass into Rashford, who touches off to Lingard. Showing his underrated football brain, he slips in Young, who shoots low and hard - Rashford is millimetres away from touching it in.

14 min Rashford appears again down the right - after his first league goal in ages at Sunderland last week, he was excellent in midweek. I wonder if United would have more points had he played more games in the middle. Anyway. Costa isolates Bailly on the left touchline, draws him in, and skips away. Naturally, he’s fouled, and the free-kick comes to nowt.

12 min Carragher suggests Hazard change positions to see how far Herrera will follow him. In the meantime, he spreads play wide to Moses, and when the cross comes in, Costa leaves Bailly in a heap. Consternation follows, Rojo and yerman exchange slap and kick, and then everyone gets on with the game.

10 min Lovely long pass from Pogba, and this time Rashford worries Cahill at inside-right. The danger is averted, but United are playing this perfectly so far.

9 min “Under your conditions it might be argued that, whilst possibly the most gifted athlete the sport has ever seen, Ronaldo is not the creative genius that would be included on your list, reckons Edward Wall. “Less of a playmaker, more of a nuclear-level battering ram.”

7 min Gary Neville is struggling to deduce United’s formation from the gantry, so I’m not going to try. Herrera, though, is deeper than Valencia on the right.

6 min Flick-on from Fellaini and Lingard nips in to rob Luiz, poking Rashford free. He might return the compliment but instead opts to shoot from just outside the box, tickling a drag wide.

5 min It’s been a slow start, featuring a bit of possession for either side, most of it slow.

3 min It’s Lingard and Rashford up front for United, while Herrera is man-to-man on Hazard. I must say, I don’t quite grasp that. Hazard is an excellent player, the best in the league, but he’s not Maradona - or even Bobby Charlton, to give another example from football history. What’s a defence for, if not to defend the opposition’s best players? And who’s going to give United’s midfield the lost energy and bite?

2 min “Lighting the wrong end of a fag is good, but I can beat it,” reckons Gianlucca de Paoli.

“Whilst chatting to a girl I fancied at school I said something incredibly witty, and then suavely took a long drag from my roll-up, sucking the filter and the burning tobacco into my throat. It burnt my mouth so badly I could not eat spicy food for a month. It didn’t go anywhere funnily enough.”

1 min Alonso is unwell - Chelsea knew that to be so, but he thought he’d have a bash at playing.

1 min Off we go!

That reminds me of a non-romantic yarn. Driving around a roundabout I’d never before encountered, I indicated, then cancelled my signal upon realising that I was taking the wrong exit. This caused a car hoping to come into the traffic huge consternation - there was shouting and gesticulating aplenty. This caused them to stall, and as a consequence the vehicle behind shunted them onto the grass verge.

“In relation to Mourinho’s first season at Chelsea - Robben wasn’t a genii?” asks Edward Wall.

I’d say not. Brilliant player, but did he see things differently?

“Re: the romantic interest blunder scene, I was once disinterestedly observing a slightly sleazy man with a horrible gelled quiff chatting up a young Spanish girl at the Prince Albert in Brighton. As he was leaning in to watch her write her number on a slip of paper, he neglected to notice an open candle, which promptly set his greasy bonnet aflame. Luckily for our man, there was a full-size mirror directly in front of him, which allowed him to hastily pat out the fire and carry on as if nothing had happened before she had finished writing. Such a display of chutzpah have I never seen, and it almost led me to respect him despite his sleazy character. But the look on his face as he did a double-take, realising he’d momentarily turned into a human torch, will give me a little chuckle I imagine for the rest of my days. I only wish I’d not been the only person who’d seen it.”

The players are tunnelled. Like Mourinho’s team selection, the music is ironic.

“Messi, Neymar, Iniesta, Suarez, Ozil, Ronaldo, Aguero, Dybala, Sanchez, Modric, James and Hazard are all football geniuses, surely?” reckons Joseph Day.

I’d say not - Modric, perhaps, but the others are just very good players, not epochal ones with brains that see things differently.

Playing the way that United should dept: “The United starting XI has scored 12 league goals this season,” emails Simon MacKaye. “67% of those come from Pogba & Rashsford, the only two that have more than one league goal. Egad!”

Their performance this afternoon is going to demand the invention of new profanities. I’m quite looking forward to it.

“Having snared a comely lass at a a house party,” brags Gerry Wall, “we had retired to a bedroom and disrobed when she declared she needed a glass of water – a reasonable request. Being the gallant hero, I hopped out of bed threw on a garment, went downstairs and walked back into the kitchen with the party in full swing, wearing her dress. To this day, I have no idea why.”

That is far more heroic than embarrassing.

“If lighting the wrong end of a cigarette is the most humiliating thing you’ve ever done with respect to a love interest, then in my experience you are a very lucky lad indeed,” emails Gene Salorio, whose own yarn is en route.

Er, if only; it was but one example.

Courtois hurt his ankle playing basketball for an ad of some sort! “I think it not important,” says Conte when asked how he did it.

Pour aller à la gare?

Prenez la première rue à droite.

“As soon as football chatter mentions the word ‘system’ I switch off and think of the joy that is players no system could contain,” says Ian Copestake. “Your Hagis, Romarios and Daglishes, etc. Genius is where the joy is. Not systems. Are there any geniuses in football at the mo? Hazard? Nah.”

Hmmm. Off the top of my head, I’d go Ronaldo, Messi, Iniesta, Suarez.

“He’s tired - very tired,” Mourinho says of Zlatan; “overtired”, some might say. “I’ll try to protect him but let’s see the result. He’s on the bench and ready to help.”

“Are we going to see how Chelsea handle a bit of pressure,” Graeme Souness is asked. He retorts with his usual menacing shrift.

I was about to begin a riff asking what’s the weirdest thing that your kids have caught you doing, then thought better of it, so tentatively.

And to link it to the preamble, what’s the most humiliating thing to happen while trying to ensnare a romantic interest?

Try drawing on a cig to subtly assert your insurmountable coolness, only to discover you’ve sparked the filter.

“Read by cities, the top seven is London, London, Liverpool, Manchester, Liverpool Manchester, London,” notes Greg Phillips. “Said aloud this has a pleasing rhythm, but now I can’t stop saying it aloud and my children think I’m odd. Though that’s nothing new.”

Henry VIII was some boy, eh?

Email! “Apologies if this point has been made a zillion times,” emails Rob Hobson, “but Mourinho’s preferred system - safe, hard to break down, good without the ball - really only delivers titles if he gets a billion quid to spend on infallible defenders and two or three attacking genii to conjure the win. And god, is it hard to watch. I’m starting to wonder if the only way to restore his once-lustrous sheen is to take Chesterfield to a European final. Anyone care to disagree?”

I think I do. At Porto, he wasn’t given that money and the genius was him, at Chelsea he just added his Porto players to what was already there and had no genii, he didn’t have money at Inter and the genius was him.

While you wait: Jesse Lingard starts again for United, either wide, at wing-back or up front. Here’s a piece on why he earned and is worth his new deal, with some thoughts on what it might be that people find so awful about him.

Liverpool have won 1-0 at West Brom; they surely have enough points on the board now. As for what finishing below them says about United and Mourinho, ahem.

Another note: Anthony Martial, United’s top scorer last season and generally brilliant talent, is not even on the bench. His Thursday-night cameo in Brussels was horrible, it’s true, but the idea that a team as impotent as United, let alone a team as impotent as United without its top-scorer, has no use for him, well. I’d be shocked if he wasn’t moved on in the summer.

As rumoured this morning, Chelsea are without Thibaut Courtois, but far worse keepers than Asmir Begovic, behind far worse defences, have done ok against United this season.

So, what to make of that United team? Well, Mourinho is prioritising Thursday’s game against Anderlecht, and fair enough; Ibrahimovic has played a lot and probably wouldn’t get much change out of a three-man defence. But that back-five is something else, a sarcastic comment on the very notion of the game of football, a slap in the face of the vicious authorities who ask teams to play games when games are scheduled. My guess is that the plan is for Rashford and Lingard to pull Chelsea’s markers about, fed by bad crosses from the wing-backs and long passes from Pogba. If United get anything out of this game, it’s going to be revolting.

So, what to make of that Chelsea team? Everything and nothing.