It’s increasingly hard to say what’s going on behind those shades. The man’s the Anna Wintour of the wicket. That eyewear makes it impossible to know what he’s thinking. It’s been nine days since Ben Stokes was caught breaking the England team curfew at a nightclub on the Kings Road, and still no one really knows what’s going on, or exactly what’s gone wrong. The Cricket Regulator is investigating, but it is slower than molasses in January. There doesn’t seem to be a good reason why the ECB’s own report is dragging on so long. The one clear point is that neither McCullum, nor his boss, Rob Key, wanted to offer Stokes their backing as captain.

After nine turbulent days since the crapshoot at Lord’s came some welcome and familiar Test match rhythms south of the river. Not that it was entirely familiar, given the churn of England players that was triggered, in part, by that late night for Ben Stokes and Gus Atkinson at the Rex Rooms in Chelsea.

Meanwhile

76th over: New Zealand 290-7 (Phillips 48, Jamieson 6) No sign of England letting this drift until the close. With seven minutes’ play remaining, Josh Tongue returns to bowl some short stuff. Kyle Jamieson gets lucky when a lusty yahoo lands between two fielders at cow corner, but then he backs away to wave a terrific shot to the cover boundary. He’s a dangerous customer down the order, as England saw at Lord’s.

Time for one more over before the close. Jacob Bethell has changed ends and will bowl it.

75th over: New Zealand 284-7 (Phillips 48, Jamieson 0) Blimey, Jofra is going again. This is his eighth over, almost as many as he bowled across his first three spells of the day (11).

Phillips plays a nifty uppercut that flies down the leg side for four runs. Archer responds by sitting him down one last time. He has bowled some utterly horrible bouncers: perfect length, tight line and then sharp seam movement to follow Phillips.

Archer ends the over, and surely the spell, with a lifter that hits Phillips on the glove. He wrings his hand in pain and then calls for the physio.

Phillips has played with immense courage tonight. It’s been an innings of two halves: 40 from the first 39 balls, 8 from the next 34. He started his innings by timing high-class boundaries all over the gaff, then knuckled down to withstand a ferocious spell from Archer.

74th over: New Zealand 280-7 (Phillips 44, Jamieson 0) Jacob Bethell has figures of 4-1-7-2. I’m sure he would agree that the figures flatter him ever so easily; I also suspect he couldn’t care less, and nor should he.

73rd over: New Zealand 278-6 (Phillips 44, Smith 2) With the new batter Nathan Smith on strike, England decide to give Archer one more over. He strains a bit too hard with a bouncer that flies down the leg side for five wides. England have conceded a whopping 44 extras today.

In hindsight that was one over too many for Archer, but he bowled a scintillating spell of 7-2-18-0.

71st over: New Zealand 272-6 (Phillips 44, Smith 1) Gay wears one at short leg when Smith pulls a long hop from Bethell straight at him. Smith gets off the mark from his 13th delivery by cutting a single.

You probably know this but play will go on until 7pm because of the delayed start and England’s relaxed over-rate.

70th over: New Zealand 271-6 (Phillips 44, Smith 0) After 20 balls without a run, Phillips times Archer behind square on the off side for four. He’s punished for his impertinence by another nasty short ball that hits him near the left shoulder blade.

Phillips survives the rest of the over. He’s showing immense courage and may have seen Archer off for today.

“I know it’s been said before, but ye gods I love Test cricket,” writes Phil Sawyer. “You think a game is meandering along a bit and then suddenly get a battle like Archer v Phillips. The sunglasses appear to have wound Jofra up. Nothing you can do in a spell like this but try to survive, and Phillips is handling it admirably so far. Cracking stuff. Also thanks to Nass, I’m going to have to revisit THAT spell from Devon Malcolm later.”

Sod that, watch the highlights of the whole game – it’s one of the most exhilarating/demented Tests ever played.

70th over: New Zealand 267-6 (Phillips 40, Smith 0) A maiden from Bethell to Smith, which means Archer will get to have another crack at Phillips. This might be his last over of the day.

69th over: New Zealand 267-6 (Phillips 40, Smith 0) Phillips goes down again, this time on his front, after evading another beautifully directed bouncer. Phillips went down in slow motion and then bounced to his feet with a smile on his face.

A fuller ball from Archer swings past leg stump for four byes, so her returns to the short stuff and sits Phillips down again. Phillips is still lying on his back when he puts his thumb up to acknowledge Archer’s excellence. Lovely stuff.

68th over: New Zealand 263-6 (Phillips 40, Smith 0) Bethell has played a part in three of the six wickets to fall: two catches, one a blinder, and now a wicket.

England go up for LBW when the new batter Smith pushes around an arm ball. Missing leg.

67th over: New Zealand 259-5 (Blundell 47, Phillips 40) Phillips fishes at a good ball from Archer and is beaten. England appealed for caught behind and considered a review before rightly deciding against it.

Phillips calls for his sunglasses. When play resumes, Archer promptly knocks him off his feet with a cracking bouncer that pins him just below the right shoulder. Perfect comic timing.

Jofra isn’t laughing when an appeal for a catch down the leg side is turned down – and he can’t review it because the umpire is then informed that it was a no-ball. I suspect Phillips gloved that.

A terrific over from Archer, seriously hostile.

[Edit: there’s nothing on UltraEdge for that caught-behind appeal, which is odd because I’m sure the ball changed direction. Not that it matters as it was a no-ball.]

66th over: New Zealand 258-5 (Blundell 47, Phillips 40) With Rew up to the stumps, an inswinger from Fisher goes for four byes down the leg side. England are looking weary.

65th over: New Zealand 252-5 (Blundell 45, Phillips 40) Archer sits Phillips on his backside with another nasty bouncer that was homing on Phillips’ neck until he got out of the way.

For the first time today, England have set a field for short-pitched bowling. Lateri n the over Blundell tries to pull, is too early on the shot and gets a single off the back of the bat.

64th over: New Zealand 247-5 (Blundell 43, Phillips 40) Fisher continues after drinks – as does Phillips, who bashes his seventh boundary to move into the forties.

There was a moment, late on the first day at Lord’s, of the sort that makes captaincy instantly worthwhile: Ben Stokes chose to bring Emilio Gay in at short leg, Kane Williamson immediately edged the ball into his pad and thence into the air, and without even looking to see what happened next Ollie Robinson sprinted into his captain’s embrace. It is a high-pressure role, perhaps at times unbearably so, but it is not without its rewards.

The first day of the second Test had little in common, not least because the England teamsheet had in the intervening period been put through a shredder. The sun shone, the pitch behaved, and as an occasion it felt – perhaps appropriately given the kind of mess England have made a habit of getting themselves into of late – a great deal more sober.

At its heart, Joe Root, back at the site of his last home Test as England’s full-time captain against India nearly five years ago. That was precisely the halfway point of the run of one win in 17 games, eight before that and eight after, during which his team and his appetite for leading it unravelled. As he said when asked on Tuesday about his first experience of captaincy: “I ended up being so consumed with everything I wasn’t the person I wanted to be.” And here he was again, being consumed with everything.

63rd over: New Zealand 243-5 (Blundell 43, Phillips 36) Phillips does superbly to avoid a horrible bouncer from Archer that follows him as he starts to back away. That could easily have smacked him on the helmet.

A fuller inducker to Blundell runs away for four leg-byes, after which the players take drinks.

At 107-4 and 188-5 it was England’s day; by 7pm it might be New Zealand’s.

62nd over: New Zealand 238-5 (Blundell 43, Phillips 36)

61st over: New Zealand 232-5 (Blundell 40, Phillips 35) Archer is back on the field and is coming into the attack. An accurate, wicket-to-wicket over has the effect of slowing down Phillips.

60th over: New Zealand 232-5 (Blundell 40, Phillips 33) England go up for LBW when Fisher nips one back to hit Phillips onthe pad. A nice bit of bowling but it looked too high, and Fisher signals as much to his captain Root.

No chance of England risking their last review, although it was a bit closer than I realised. The replay suggested it was umpire’s call on height.

A rare false stroke from Phillips, who puts it to the back of his mind and waves the next delivery through backward point for four. The timing of his attacking strokes has been exquisite.

59th over: New Zealand 227-5 (Blundell 40, Phillips 28) Blundell opens the face to glide Baker between third slip and gully for four. A lovely shot, but Baker looks tired and has started to go for a few runs: 21 from his first nine overs, 42 from the last six.

58th over: New Zealand 222-5 (Blundell 35, Phillips 28) Matthew Fisher returns in place of Tongue. He’s the closest England have to a workhorse in this attack, and there are still 100 minutes of work to be done tonight.

Blundell scrambles to make his ground after being sent back by Phillips, though Bethell’s throw was off target anyway. A maiden from Fisher, his fifth of the day.

57th over: New Zealand 222-5 (Blundell 35, Phillips 27) Phillips hammers a cut for four off Baker. Since tea there have been 56 runs in eight overs.

England’s bowlers look a bit weary, and it doesn’t help that Jofra Archer has just left the field. Apparently he slipped a couple of minutes ago so it’s presumably related to that.

56th over: New Zealand 216-5 (Blundell 35, Phillips 22) Rew was the least excited of the England fielders, which suggests he knew – or least suspected – the ball had hit the turf before he was able to flip his hand around.

Glenn Phillips, meanwhile, is batting like Bradman. Two more beautifully timed shots, the first for four and the second for three, take him to 22 from 13 balls.

55th over: New Zealand 208-5 (Blundell 34, Phillips 15) Despite taking that wicket, Baker is still struggling for rhythm. He swings four byes down the leg side before Phillips nails him for back-to-back boundaries through extra cover. Phillips looks in seriously good touch and has sped to 15 from 10 balls.

54th over: New Zealand 196-5 (Blundell 34, Phillips 7) Glenn Phillips continues where he left off at Lord’s by timing Tongue behind square for four to get off the mark. Lovely shot, that.

53rd over: New Zealand 189-5 (Blundell 34, Phillips 0) Mitchell was walking towards Baker and was beaten for pace. It’s a really impressive strike from Baker at a time when his mind could have been elsewhere.

Time will tell whether Baker is as good – or as quick – as Mark Wood, but he’s a similarly effervescent character who England supporters are going to love. I don’t know whether he has an imaginary horse though.

Mitchell and Blundell have added 77 in this innings. A century partnership would their fifth against England, equalling the Test record. They would also be in very good company: Greenidge and Haynes, Slater and Taylor, Boon and Border, Boon and Mark Waugh, Mark Waugh and Steve Waugh.

And some people have the effrontery to say the 1990s was a great time to be alive.

52nd over: New Zealand 184-4 (Mitchell 41, Blundell 33) Blundell tries to leave Tongue and somehow gets four through backward point. He clips the next ball through midwicket for another boundary.

Tongue almost gets his rewenge with a wide tempter off the last ball. Blundell goes for a big drive and misses.

51st over: New Zealand 176-4 (Mitchell 41, Blundell 25) Baker replaces Archer after tea. He’s steered for four by Mitchell, then pulled for another. The suggestion is that he’s less comfortable at this end, and at the end of the over he has a chat on the boundary with the bowling coach Tim Southee.

Inbetween those boundaries, Baker beat Mitchell and started smiling – not in a smug way, just because he’s having the time of his life. “He’s the happiest fast bowler on the planet,” said Nasser Hussain on commentary, to which a deadpan Mark Butcher replied: “You wouldn’t have got on with him at all.”

50th over: New Zealand 168-4 (Mitchell 33, Blundell 25) Josh Tongue replaces Harry Brook after tea, starting with a quiet over to Blundell. Joe Root changes the field after one ball, prompting Nasser Hussain to make the same point as Tim in the 47th over. “He may have just tinkered too much,” says Nasser. “You don’t have to get funky here.”

48th over: New Zealand 166-4 (Mitchell 33, Blundell 23) Brook does swing the ball, so his introduction is not without logic. Mitchell turns an inswinger not far short of Gay at leg slip; in fact he’s one of two leg slips for exactly that stroke.

Time for one more over before tea.

47th over: New Zealand 164-4 (Mitchell 33, Blundell 21) “I’m at The Oval, wondering if I’m the first person ever to feel that Root is being too funky with his fields,” writes your friend and mine, Tim de Lisle. “He seems to be setting half the field for the pitch we’ve got (gullies and leg slips, waiting for the nicks from the lifters) and the other half for a flat track in Rawalpindi (silly mid-off and two silly mid-ons). Wondering if this makes more sense to you.”

Not really, though this response may mysteriously disappear when Mitchell is caught at short cover.

46th over: New Zealand 162-4 (Mitchell 31, Blundell 21) Brook continues, in fact, though it’s to no particular effect. Meanwhile, some very bad news for the England Women’s team: Nat Sciver-Brunt will miss their World Cup games against Scotland and West Indies after suffering a calf strain against Ireland last night. Urgh.

“Thanks for the reminder about the wonderful 1999 semi-final, Rob,” writes Richard O’Hagan. “I have always felt that it was nice of Australia and South Africa to put on such a great show and make us forget just how dire England were in that tournament.

Talking of 1999, and how bad England were, the latest episode of The Film Room on Sky Sports looks so good. The subject is England’s Test series against New Zealand in 1999. I had it on in the background without volume this morning. Every time I looked up, one or all of Mike Atherton, Nasser Hussain and Phil Tufnell were convulsing with laughter.

45th over: New Zealand 158-4 (Mitchell 28, Blundell 25) The Sky commentator Mark Butcher (how good a pundit is he by the way?) thinks Brook came on so that Matt Fisher could change ends.

The introduction of Jofra Archer at the other end supports that view. Archer’s first ball is slightly short and cut expertly for four by Blundell. Later in the over, an inswinger flies away for four leg byes; New Zealand have scored 29 runs fom the last four overs.

44th over: New Zealand 149-4 (Mitchell 28, Blundell 21) And now for something completeley different: Harry Brook is having a bowl. The last time he bowled in a Test was that slightly petulant spell at the end of last summer’s Old Trafford Test against India – but he took some good wickets for Yorkshire against Surrey earlier in the season, including Jamie Smith clean bowled.

Mitchell’s occasional bowling was savaged by Brook at Wellington in 2022-23. (“Eeeee’s crap!” chirped Brook to his batting partner Joe Root after smashing another six.) Perhaps Mitchell has that in mind when he clears his front leg to larrup a boundary over wide mid-off, or perhaps I need to get out more.

43rd over: New Zealand 145-4 (Mitchell 24, Blundell 17) Mitchell opens the face to guide Fisher classily for four. Perhaps New Zealand have decided that now’s the time to put pressure back on England; they’ve added 21 runs in the last three overs.

42nd over: New Zealand 140-4 (Mitchell 19, Blundell 17) Out of nothing, Mitchell clears his front leg and smokes Baker over extra cover. So much for batting time! Blundell gets the same result later in the over with a more classical cover drive.

41st over: New Zealand 129-4 (Mitchell 14, Blundell 11) Mitchell guides Fisher behind square for the first of five runs in the over. New Zealand remain happy to bat time, knowing that England will eventually have to turn to their occasional spinners.

40th over: New Zealand 124-4 (Mitchell 11, Blundell 9) Baker ends another good over with a back-of-a-length that straightens sharply to beat Blundell’s outside edge.

39th over: New Zealand 122-4 (Mitchell 11, Blundell 7)

Mitchell is not out!

Or not. Fisher, back in the attack, bowled an outswinger to the right-hander that pitched on middle and straightened slightly to hit the pad. Alas, it didn’t straighten enough and would have missed leg stump.

England have lost two reviews.

England review for LBW against Mitchell!

This might be close you know.

38th over: New Zealand 118-4 (Mitchell 10, Blundell 4) Mitchell tries to take on a Baker bouncer but can only cloth it into the leg side for a single, one of two from the over. Baker has terrific figures: 8-2-19-1.

Cheers Jim, hello everyone. Daryl Mitchell and Tom Blundell added 724 runs in three Tests against England on New Zealand’s last tour in 2022. That included four century partnerships; they’d love another one today because New Zealand are behind the eight ball. Quite why I’m using that metaphor I don’t know because I’ve never played billiards, but we are where we are.

37th over: New Zealand 116-4 (Mitchell 9, Blundell 3) Baker gets a rousing hand as he makes his way down to fine leg, a big grin on his face. Lovely to see. Tongue continues, Mitchell nearly flicks another one down the leg side to Cox at leg slip but the ball lands just short. Four! Mitchell throws the kitchen sink and the Breville Toastie Maker (yes I am interested in a sponsorship deal) at a wide one from Tongue, it flies up and away over Bethell at gully.

That’s me done for the day. Thanks for your company. Rob Smyth is here to take you through the rest of the day. Ta-ra.

36th over: New Zealand 109-4 (Mitchell 5, Blundell 1) Tom Blundell joins Daryl Mitchell in the middle with the visitors teetering. A 2022 style partnership between this pair would help. Blundell off the mark with a quick single into the off.

35th over: New Zealand 107-3 (Ravindra 33, Mitchell 4) ‘Yes Rachin!’ hollers a Kiwi in the crowd as Ravindra gets forward to ping Tongue through the covers for four. That’s the hundred up for New Zealand. Four more. A top edge flies over the cordon.

34th over: New Zealand 98-3 (Ravindra 24, Mitchell 4) Sonny B replaces Matty F. A single to Rachy R and another to Dazzy M.

Sorry, I was up early. Bobby S will be here soon.

33rd over: New Zealand 96-3 (Ravindra 23, Mitchell 3) Ravindra stands on his tip toes and punches four through the off side. The Oval purrs in appreciation and the trumpeter parps the riff from Baker Street. Summer is here. Four more, looser this time from Rachin, flayed away past point. Doesn’t get a burst of Gerry Rafferty afterwards either.

32nd over: New Zealand 88-3 (Ravindra 15, Mitchell 3) Drop! The trap was set to Mitchell with Jordan Cox lurking at a wide leg slip. Mitchell steps across and middles one to Cox’s left but the debutant can’t cling on, shelling the catch into the turf. A load groan goes up around the Oval. Sharp chance but a chance nonetheless.

31st over: New Zealand 86-3 (Ravindra 14, Mitchell 2) Josh Tongue is a real handful, he cuts Ravindra in two like Paul Daniel’s did Debbie McGee in his pomp. A shorter ball clips Ravindra’s hip and runs away for four.

30th over: New Zealand 81-3 (Ravindra 14, Mitchell 1) Fisher finds some bounce from the Vauxhall End, Mitchell fences away from his body and is fortunate to not feather behind. A drop and run into the off sees ‘The Moose’ off the mark. Ravindra’s bat sounds so good, a satisfying crunch as he shows the makers name and sees out the rest of the over.

England have bowled tight lines since lunch.

(Blowin’ through my mind) and all the while I think of you

29th over: New Zealand 80-3 (Ravindra 13, Mitchell 0) Nicholls will be disappointed with that, he was well set and looked customarily composed at the crease. Daryl Mitchell is the new batter. Tongue sends down a bouncer first up with a leg gully in place. It’s too wild though and Rew has to get his Schmeichel on to prevent four byes.

28th over: New Zealand 78-2 (Nicholls 24, Ravindra 13) The Fisher King - as absolutely no one is calling Matt Fisher – continues. Nicholls tucks a single off his hip and Ravindra collects another single with a glance to leg. Steady accumulation.

27th over: New Zealand 76-2 (Nicholls 23, Ravindra 12) Tongue from the Pavilion End. Whistles through a maiden. The OBO’s own Daniel Gallan wanders over from the bleachers and tells me that the smell of braai is actually just his natural musk. With that he disappears, like a South African Keyser Soze.

26th over: New Zealand 76-2 (Nicholls 23, Ravindra 12) Erm… a ball from Fisher keeps low outside off stump and is inside edged past the stumps by Ravindra. Not again please! Just the single off the over, bit of a breeze here at the Oval and it keeps gusting the most phenomenal smell of barbecued meat past the outdoor press box seating. Someone is cooking up a storm on the Harleyford Road it seems, England are trying to cook up a wicket, here comes Josh Tongue.

Right then, the players gather on the boundary edge ready to take the field for the afternoon session. Sunny skies above, Matt Fisher has the ball for England. Nicholls and Ravindra to resume. Let’s play.

Lunchtime Reading:

24th over: New Zealand 71-2 (Nicholls 19, Ravindra 11) Ravindra has made a positive start, he picks up three with a controlled drive into the covers. Jordan Cox does some neat work on the boundary edge, the ‘cheddar’ of his resplendent ginger mullet billowing in the south London breeze.

We’ll have one more over from Jofra Archer before the delayed lunch break.

23rd over: New Zealand 66-2 (Nicholls 17, Ravindra 8) Shot! Can I confess that I hope Ravindra gets runs here… I love watching him bat. Archer angles one into the pads and is put away with aplomb to the midwicket boundary.

22nd over: New Zealand 62-2 (Nicholls 17, Ravindra 4) Fisher replaces Baker. England have their dander up with about ten minutes to go until lunch. Nicholls is watchful and blocks out a maiden.

“Crikey! Watching on TV in Taiwan while following OBO.” writes Ben Ashton.

“I said to the TV it was a shame Stokesy wasn’t playing. My Taiwanese wife walked past and asked, ‘Isn’t Stokes the bloke who’s the captain with all the tattoos, why’s he not playing?’ I said it’s because he went to a nightclub a week last Monday, she said ‘He can’t still be hungover’. Forget the cricket – hearing a Taiwanese woman use the word ‘bloke’ felt like a greater English triumph. By ‘eck, she’ll be a Yorkshire lass yet!”

21st over: New Zealand 62-2 (Nicholls 17, Ravindra 4) Rachin Ravindra arrives in the middle, he’ll be very keen to rack some up and put his stinker at Lord’s well and truly behind him. That’s a nice start, a half volley on the pads is pinged away for four through midwicket. That’s exactly what Latham was trying to do with the ball before but he was too late on the shot.

20th over: New Zealand 53-1 (Latham 27, Nicholls 17) A second maiden from Baker, he’s settled well into Test cricket.

19th over: New Zealand 53-1 (Latham 27, Nicholls 17) It is Jofra from the Pavilion End. Nicholls gets inside a wide-ish delivery outside off stump and carves over the infield for four. Archer responds by getting a couple to jag away late. Fifty up for New Zealand, it’s been proper criggit this morning.

18th over: New Zealand 47-1 (Latham 27, Nicholls 11) Jofra is warming up for a pre-lunch spell. Baker has a short mid on in for the leading edge, he gives the middle of the pitch a good going over and it’s a maiden.

Here are the official re-arranged timings because of the early rain:

1st session: 11:30-13:30

Lunch: 13:30-14:10

2nd session: 14:10-16:10

Tea: 16:10-16:30

3rd session: 16:30-18:30

Extra 30 minutes available to bowl the overs

17th over: New Zealand 47-1 (Latham 27, Nicholls 11) Tongue blots his copybook with the final ball of his over, too short, too wide and Nicholls throws his hands at it, up and over backward point for four.

16th over: New Zealand 42-1 (Latham 26, Nicholls 7) New Zealand are accumulating nicely now, seven runs pocketed off Baker’s third. Can’t wait til he’s bowled 12 overs and I can dust off the gag to end all gags.

15th over: New Zealand 35-1 (Latham 19, Nicholls 7) Nasty. Tongue slams down a sharp bouncer at 88mph and Latham does well to sway out of the way.

“Cricket may be a religion for some of us, but we don’t officially use the term ‘canons’ as there are no clerics involved.” Writes John Starbuck. “‘Cannons’ is what you were meaning.”

I stand corrected… said the man in the orthopedic shoes.

14th over: New Zealand 31-1 (Latham 18, Nicholls 4) Latham and Nicholls pinch four runs off Sonny Baker. The sun is beating down now in South London, if New Zealand can negotiate the next hour or so then there are plenty or runs to be scored on this track.

“In light of their disciplinary troubles, have England deliberately gone for more a workman-like attack with a Baker an Archer and a Fisher?” asks Daniel Wilson.

Girds loinded for Henry Candlestick-Maker to make his debut against Pakistan in August.

13th over: New Zealand 27-1 (Latham 15, Nicholls 3) Tongue continues, he strays too straight and Latham pings off his pads for four through the leg side. Latham leaves the next and it canons into his pad, a big appeal from Tongue and the cordon but it was going over and England wisely choose not to review.

Time for our first hydration break of the Test match.

12th over: New Zealand 22-1 (Latham 10, Nicholls 3) Baker’s 90s boyband curtains bounce on his for’ead as he bounds in from the Vauxhall End. Close! That’s a beauty from the youngster, he gets one to pitch and move away late at decent pace, 86mph says the speedo. He beats Nicholls. And again! Baker settling into Test cricket much quicker than he did with the white ball last summer. There’s half an appeal for a caught and bowled off Nicholls but the ball only took thigh pad. Has Nicholls tickled the next ball down the leg side?! England think so and send it upstairs… no dice. Sonny Baker will have to wait for his first Test wicket. Eventful first over though, he can put a positive start down in his oft-mentioned notebook later on.

11th over: New Zealand 21-1 (Latham 9, Nicholls 3) Tongue goes around the wicket and is picked off for a single into the legs side by both Latham and Nicholls. Sonny Baker is going to have his first bowl in Test cricket, deep breaths son!

10th over: New Zealand 19-1 (Latham 8, Nicholls 2) Fisher has been probing and accurate so far this morning on his home ground, he’s around 84mph so quick enough. He nearly has his second with a full ball that scuds into Latham’s front pad but once again it was heading leg side with the angle. Fisher’s third maiden. Tidy.

9th over: New Zealand 19-1 (Latham 8, Nicholls 2) Tongue bustles in around the wicket, he’s back of a length and tucked away off the hip by Nicholls. Tongue is such a likeable bloke and thoroughly exciting bowler. He cranks his speed up into the 90s and has an appeal for an LBW off his final ball to Latham… but it was sliding down.

8th over: New Zealand 17-1 (Latham 8, Nicholls 0) Fisher peels off his second maiden. Josh Tongue is warming up. Remember:

“It’s Tongue as in T-U-N-G, not Tongue like T-O-N-G! What is that? TONG?”

7th over: New Zealand 17-1 (Latham 8, Nicholls 0) Archer beats Latham with a zipper that flies past the shoulder of a poked blade. A neat push into the covers brings three for the Kiwi skipper.

6th over: New Zealand 14-1 (Latham 5, Nicholls 0) Henry Nicholls joins Latham. Poor old Devon Conway, his long haul return results in an innocuous glove down the leg side and a single figure departure.

5th over: New Zealand 9-0 (Latham 3, Conway 6) Archer reels off a maiden but Latham is happy to let plenty go outside off stump.

“Was Cicero pondering Joe Root when he wrote: ‘It is not by muscle, speed, or physical dexterity that great things are achieved, but by reflection, force of character, and judgment’

Anyway – I have day 3 tickets, so what’s your prediction for the state of play by then?”

Let me consult the runes, Robert Hill.

4th over: New Zealand 12-0 (Latham 4, Conway 8) Latham and Conway tuck a too straight Fisher into the leg side. Three runs off the over. I’m sat next to the liquid tongued new host of the Wisden podcast and soon to be OBO debutant Cameron Ponsonby. He leans in coquettishly and whispers… a quite remarkable stat about Jofra Archer’s first over.

The average speed of it was 144.7kph (89.9mph) – the fastest any England bowler has bowled in the first over of a Test since records began in 2006. It’s also the fastest first over of a Test in England in that time.

Wheels.

3rd over: New Zealand 9-0 (Latham 3, Conway 6) Archer cranks his speeds into the 90s. A trumpeter toots and the crowd cheers. It is so nice to watch some cricket. Conway edges behind sketchily for two and there’s an appeal as the ball nips past the shoulder of his blade next ball. Close but no Cuban. Conway flays outside off again and gets four.

“STOP GETTING THE NATIONAL WRONG!” Emails Stephen Downing.

“Tired and blue blazered, fill yourself with… pound coins” is a lyric from Mistaken for Strangers not Apartment Story.

What can I say, I’m a stranger to myself, Steve. Sorry.

2nd over: New Zealand 3-0 (Latham 3, Conway 0) Here comes Matt Fisher from the Vauxhall End, his first bowl in Test cricket since Root’s last Test in charge four years ago in the Caribbean. He gets some immediate movement back in and finds his groove immediately, a maiden to start.

1st over: New Zealand 3-0 (Latham 3, Conway 0) Archer runs in from the Pavilion End, liquid smooth action and a back of a length ball that is clipped away neatly by Tom Latham for a couple into the leg side. New Zealand are up and running. Three slips and a gully for Archer. Penny for James Rew’s thoughts keeping to Jofra for the first time, on his Test debut.

Archer gets some zip and shape away. Latham takes a quick single to midwicket. Devon Conway on strike, he’s had some week too – he flew home to NZ to be at the birth of his new baby and then back again, he’s out there in the middle now facing nigh on 90mph. He plays and misses his first ball outside off. Well of course he does.

Peter Butler knows his Camus from his erm Cicero.

“Albert Camus also famously said, “All that I know most surely about morality and obligations I owe to football”. Which is why he never had a problem going on the piss after midnight.”

Arf.

The anthems are dusted off rousingly. Joe Root leads out England for the first time in four years. Bright sunshine here at the Oval and a bit muggy, Jofra Archer is going to start off with the ball. Let’s play!

“Hi James. Thanks for the Camus piece.” I wouldn’t call it a Camus piece per se, Peter Salmon. Don’t want to get the Philosophy crowd’s hopes up…

“The only way to deal with an unfree world is to become so absolutely free that your very existence is an act of rebellion” might also suit Stokes...

Root back as captain though, does feel like normal service resumed. My favourite detail of the ‘blazer in the garage’ story is that he had 30 team sheets in the pockets. I had no idea this still happens at international level. That simple joy of tearing off one of the serrated sheets at the back of the scorebook, filling it in (first initial if you can’t remember their name) and handing it to the opposite number - love that captains at this level still get to do it. Presumably they also still have to phone around on the day before the match to check everyone is still available, and to organise lifts? “Jamie’s wife’s gone into labour, but James Rew is available and has a van, so can take six...”

Love this.

Nick Wiltsher has my back. I wouldn’t mess with him...

“Dear James, I really don’t understand why people feel they need to email you to ask for this. It’s not some esoteric mystery. Here’s how to find it: go to the BBC’s live coverage page. The link is prominently displayed in the sidebar on the left.

For those who inexplicably cannot manage that simple bit of navigations, here it is:
https://www.youtube.com/live/TqXhD0hxPfk

Though if they can’t do the first thing, I wonder how on earth they’ll manage clicking on a link…”

That’s you told!

The stumps are being put in place and there’s blue skies above. We’ll have some actual cricket in about ten minutes.

A follower who wishes to remain incognito “I’m following on the sly…” gets in touch. I dare say you won’t be the only one A.Nonymous.

“Hi James, looking forward to an excellent Test and following the OBO. Is this the lowest number of combined letters in the England XI surnames since the Flower XI with Bell, Root, Cook, Trott etc (No wonder Pietersen felt left out)? Surely an indication that supremacy is once again due?”

I’m going to say yes and leave it at that.

Chris Lintott is in Paris and needs furnishing…

“Looking forward to this as a Somerset fan who has enjoyed the rise of Rew (and we’ll claim the very likeable cricket badger Baker too). Unfortunately I find myself in a shared office in the suburbs of Paris. Anyone got the overseas TMS link?”

There has of course been all sorts written about ‘the situation’ in the last week. Some good, some bad and some downright ludicrous.

I tried to articulate my own thoughts here. By way of Albert Camus. I know. La-di-dah.

There’s a funny bit at the end of the 2022 Ben Stokes documentary Phoenix From The Ashes where host and self-confessed cricket obsessive Sam Mendes quotes Albert Camus to a nonplussed Stokes.

After a confusing but good-natured knockabout on some tatty astroturf on the outfield, both men stand on the balcony of Stokes’ boyhood club, Cockermouth CC, as Mendes paraphrases the Nobel Prize-winning philosopher. Pre-empting the quote by explaining to Stokes that it is one that he himself has found meaningful in the context of a life spent writing and directing film and theatre.

‘A man’s work is nothing but the slow trek to rediscover those one or two great and simple images in whose presence his heart first opened.’

Stokes stares at Mendes for a second, and then with perfect timing punctures the lofty atmosphere that has momentarily descended.

‘I’ve got no idea what you just said,’ he says with a small smile. ‘Cut that.’”

The sun is out now at the Oval, we’ll have the toss in ten minutes.

Just enough time to read this from Andy Bull, the piece to read on the Stokes farrago for mine.

The problem here isn’t so much that Stokes broke a curfew. It’s that to begin with, England’s management decided to set one. This Cinderella rule was brought in so they could be seen to be doing something after their own bad management during England’s winter tour, in particular their failed attempt to cover up that situation with Brook, and their decision to send the players away for four nights of rest and recuperation in Noosa, a place best known for its beach, bars, and craft beer scene. This England and Wales Cricket Board (ECB) regime may be the first in history whose biggest failing seems to have been that they could organise a piss-up in a brewery.”

“Shout out to Sky” emails a B Murdoch emails John Plunkett. “Surely the first time the same player has got the most caps, most runs, most wickets and most catches in the same team. Guess three out of four on a fair few occasions, but maybe never the full house?

Also has one player ever had so many caps compared to the other 10 players?”

Remarkable isn’t it? Fancy another cortex tickler? Joe Root is the only player playing in this Test match who played in the first Test under McCullum back in 2022.

I interviewed Joe before the first Test. Pure class.

Another exciting debutant in this match is Sonny Baker. England have been comparing his speed through the air to Mark Wood, I see a certain amount of Darren Gough in him too, not least in his ebullient, almost puppyish enthusiasm for bowling.

Taha did a nice interview with him a while back:

“What does Rehan Ahmed need to do to get in this team?” ask Ian Batch. “I thought he’d be an ideal replacement for Stokes. Instead, we’re playing a specialist batsman at 7? Why pick Bashir at Lord’s but no spinner here when the Oval has been flat this year?

I get it’s been a chaotic mess since Lord’s but Baz/captain selections to me have been baffling since he took over. Anyway, here’s hoping we get 5 good days of cricket. I’ve optimistically bought a day 3 ticket, madness!”

They definitely like Rehan and I fancy we might see him later in the summer on a drier wicket. Surrey have’t been playing a spinner here at the Oval and despite the weather being set to heat up England want to bolster their batting and feel like they can get overs of spin out of Root and Bethell.

Jordan Cox is a hugely exciting talent to have coming in at seven, he’s in electric knick too.

Hard to know how to feel after the last week but despite everything that has happened there is a real buzz at the Oval, debutants always have that effect and England have three of them. They are also fielding their most inexperienced bowling attack for two decades.

Joe Root is out in the middle with his pads on chatting away to Michael Vaughan and Brendon McCullum. He spoke really well yesterday:

The slightly annoying news is that it has been mizzling here in South London and the covers were all the way across the square when I arrived half an hour ago. The tentatively better news is that it is brightening up and the groundstaff are dragging off the tarpaulins as I type. We should still get the toss in about fifteen minutes.

Scratch that, the man on the tannoy announces that the toss has been delayed until 11am.