NIGHTMARE ON LAKE COMO
We’re in the midst of what the kids call “spooky season” – or, for our fellow fusty old-timers out there, “autumn”. If you’ve been cosying up with a few horror flicks this month, you’ll know nothing good can come from hanging around a lake at this time of year. And so it proved for Manchester United, who endured an early Halloween nightmare on the banks of Lake Como that may have driven a stake through the Michael Carrick era. Hailed as the interim anti-Amorim not so long ago, Carrick has overseen two wins this season, against Ipswich and Sabah Baku. Como were in Serie D when Carrick won Big Cup with United as a player in 2008 – now, 18 years on, he watched the Italian upstarts dance, twirl and shimmy through the set of training cones he had sent out to represent his storied club.
In the dugout, Carrick appeared frozen by fear. If there had been a sofa perched on the touchline, he may well have crouched behind it to avoid the series of jump-scares served up by his players. At the end, he walked over to the three United fans who had stuck around and held up his hands, looking like a cross between Ole Gunnar Solskjær and a doomed Squid Game contestant. But somehow, things were about to get worse. A week after Lisandro Martínez had taken aim at (or, in truth, just below) United’s hapless hierarchy, Bruno Fernandes decided to swing a little lower. Asked about his side’s tactics, Fernandes said it was “on the manager and staff to see”, before offering a surprisingly detailed dissection of Carrick’s pressing techniques. Now 32, perhaps Fernandes is eyeing the lucrative podcast market, where former United players are busy making hay by stating the obvious. Perhaps he’s just full of it. Carrick fired back with a maxim that works for horror-movie protagonists and lazy footballers alike: “If you don’t run, you ain’t going to win.”
In truth, Manchester United’s entire post-Ferguson era feels like a worn-out horror franchise, a repetitive cycle of diminishing returns that has churned through managerial victims, while still finding new ways of scraping the barrel. United fans might have dared to dream that City’s guilty verdict marked the end of the nightmare; instead, a new team of FFP-baiting waifs in shiny blue shirts have appeared, also led by a crafty Catalan. Carrick might not make it past United’s trip to Stamford Bridge on Halloween, but could Cesc Fàbregas replace him? Asked before the game, the Como head coach snapped back: “I don’t think that shows enough respect to a great footballer and manager like Michael Carrick, at the helm of a wonderful Manchester United side.” Tone it down a bit, Cesc, it’s giving sarcastic. Fabregas is on the bookies’ speculative longlist to replace Carrick, but it’s hard to fathom why he would take the job. At Como, he has total oversight of a talented team, a financial stake in the club and all the perks of Italian lakeside living. It’s a lot to give up just to be pushed around by Jason Wilcox.
Big Website reports that Frightfest tropes Julian Nagelsmann (hipster lost in woods) and Unai Emery (vampire) are the leading candidates. Our personal pick, purely for content reasons, would be Antonio Conte, who would surely combust with rage within a week. Ultimately, will it matter? We all know the big reveal by now: the real villains at Old Trafford are in the boardroom, hollowing out the mistreated mega-club like an overripe pumpkin. Much like reading a tea-timely email packed with too-early Halloween gags, bringing United back to relevance is a tortuous process that nobody has the strength to complete. For now, the nightmare continues.
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QUOTE OF THE DAY
“We’re not against anyone and we’re not in favour of anyone” – the president of the Asian Football Confederation, Salman bin Ibrahim al-Khalifa, gives no hint about the body’s support – or opposition – to the re-election of Gianni Infantino as Fifa overlord. How very helpful.
FOOTBALL DAILY LETTERS
Any chance the Independent Football Regulator could also force the sale of Manchester United while it is at it? – James Marriott.
Belated birthday greetings to Florent Sinama-Pongolle, a player once described (by Big Website if memory serves) as the only footballer whose surname sounds like an art-house trend – Alan Burgess.
If you have any, please send letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. Today’s prizeless letter o’ the day goes to … James Marriott. Terms and conditions for our competitions, when we run them, are here.
RECOMMENDED LISTENING
Get your ears around the latest Football Weekly Extra on United’s bin-fire season among other topics. Prefer to watch? Here you go.
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