47 min “As someone who feels they no longer understand the handball rule, I was pleased with that Ifab link,” says Jakob. “But if it isn’t handball if your team-mate kicks it at you, couldn’t you have some very creative set pieces? I’m still waiting for Nicolas Jover’s rugby lineout routine.”

46 min Peep peep! PSG get the second half under way.

“The best thing about Kvaratskhelia is that he doesn’t quite fit the stereotype of the modern elite athlete,” writes Ben Watson. “Slightly dishevelled and hunchy, but absolute dynamite. He’s obviously crazily fit, but has the air of someone who might like a ciggie at half time, and possibly a few brandies in the bar afterwards.”

Half-time reading

45+2 min Kvaratskhelia is booked for kicking the ball away.

45 min Two minutes of added time.

42 min Thanks to Neil Walsh, who has confirmed that it’s not a handball offence is the ball is smashed at you by a teammate. Here’s the relevant Ifab link.

41 min Musiala, hitherto quiet, gets to the byline on the right and smashes a low cross that is beaten away at the near post by the diving Safonov. Good goalkeeping.

39 min “Whoever loses today is lucky,” writes Krishnamoorthy V. “Imagine prevailing against a terrific opponent over two legs only to be beaten 1-0 by Arsenal in Budapest.”

37 min After another devastating counter from PSG, Kvaratskhelia’s low ball into the six-yard area is crucially cut out, I think by Tah.

36 min I haven’t had chance to check the wording of the handball law to see if it explains why Joao Neves wasn’t penalised. Maybe it’s because the ball was hit by Vitinha so the handball didn’t impact a Bayern attack. Who knows.

34 min A lighter has been thrown onto the pitch, presumably at one of the officials. Neuer runs across to that part of the ground and asks the fans to stop.

33 min Stanisic is booked for a foul on Doue. Bayern are ticking.

32 min: No penalty! Blimey. Bayern are furious and you can understand why, especially after the penalty that was given against Alphonso Davies last week.

31 min: Bayern penalty appeal! It’s all kicking off again. Vitinha’s smashed a clearance that hit the outstretched arm of his teammate Joao Neves, and this will surely be given by VAR.

29 min Bayern want Nuno Mendes to be given a second yellow card for handball – but the referee gives a free-kick to PSG! The Bayern players and Vincent Kompany are fuming.

I’m not sure what the free-kick was given for, but sending off Mendes would have been harsh because he was barely a yard away from the ball when it was kicked against the top of his arm.

27 min Olise runs at the backpedalling Nuno Mendes in the area, shifts the ball onto his left foot and whips a curling shot just over the bar. Good effort, the closest Bayern have come to scoring.

26 min Nuno Mendes needs treatment after a collision with Upamecano. Looks like he’s fine to continue.

24 min There’s a long way to go, and at least eight more goals to be scored, but right now PSG are controlling the game.

22 min Diaz twists Zaire-Emery inside out before smashing a shot over the bar from a tight angle. Zaire-Emery, filling in at right-back in the absence of Hakimi, is struggling against Diaz.

21 min Doue beats three men before being fouled 30 yards from goal. The referee plays a good advantage, allowing Kvaratskhelia to zip infield and hit a shot from 20 yards that deflects through to Neuer. A comfortable save.

20 min Bayern haven’t found their usual attacking rhythm; everything feels a bit forced, even desperate. I suppose that’s inevitable when you’re two goals down to a team as good as PSG.

17 min PSG are so relaxed in possession, swanning around like it’s a pre-season friendly rather than a Champions League semi-final.

15 min Diaz beats Zaire-Emery on the left of the area and cuts the ball back towards Olise at the near post. His shot is smothered superbly by Nuno Mendes, PSG smuggle the ball away and Kvaratskhelia runs about 80 yards before having a shot deflected behind for a corner. He is an extraordinary footballer.

14 min “So good to see the Champions League final being played on a midweek evening,” writes Stephen Holliday. “Never felt quite right on a weekend…”

13 min Olise teases Mendes, gets to the byline and slides a cross that is turned behind by the stretching Mendes for … a goalkick. In defence of the referee, I thought it ricocheted back off Olise as well; it was only the slow-motion replay that suggested otherwise.

12 min Kane has a shot from the edge of the area that is blocked.

Incidentally, it’s pelting down in Munich. It might be raining on Bayern’s face if PSG get another.

10 min “Neuer’s attempt at saving Dembélé’s (admittedly brilliant) shot was very awkward,” writes Kári Tulinius. “He looked like a middle-aged man whose back seized up reaching for a book from the top shelf.”

Middle-aged men should never reach for top-shelf literature.

8 min Olise is chopped down by Nuno Mendes, who is booked. The resulting free-kick is taken short and then overhit by Olise. Bayern haven’t settled yet.

5 min I’m still reeling from how good that goal was.

Kvaratskhelia, just inside his own half, flicked the ball round the corner to Fabian Ruiz and got on his bike. Fabian Ruiz guided a gorgeous first-time pass into the space on the left wing, knowing that Kvaratskhelia would be first to the ball. Kvaratkshelia galloped all the way into the area before picking out Dembele at the far post with a precise cutback. Dembele watched the ball onto his left foot, 15 yards out, and flashed a first-time shot into the roof of the net. It was in the centre of the goal but Neuer was beaten for pace. That is a quite devastating counter-attack from PSG.

2 min Bayern have started with Konrad Laimer at right-back and Josip Stanisic on the left, not the other way round as advertised.

2 min Still goalless. I knew it’d be an anti-climax.

1 min Aaaaaaaaaaaaand action. Luis Diaz gets the match under way for Bayern, who are kicking from left to right as we watch.

On this day in 1998… Ronaldo demolished Lazio in the Uefa Cup final.

These are the gentlemen who are about to entertain us

Bayern Munich (4-2-3-1) Neuer; Stanisic, Upamecano, Tah, Laimer; Kimmich, Pavlovic; Olise, Musiala, Diaz; Kane.

Subs: Ulreich, Urbig, Kim, Goretzka, Jackson, Davies, Bischof, Ito, Guerreiro, Karl.

Paris Saint-Germain (4-3-3) Safonov; Zaire-Emery, Marquinhos, Pacho, Mendes; Fabian Ruiz, Vitinha, Neves; Doue, Dembele, Kvaratskhelia.

Subs: Vignaud, Laurendon, Marin, Beraldo, Zabarnyi, Ramos, Lee, Hernandez, Mayulu, Fernandez, Barcola, Mbaye.

Referee Joao Pinheiro (Portugal)

“Hi Rob,” says Gary Stover. “Who do you see Arsenal lining up better against, Bayern or PSG?”

I was going to say Bayern, but then I remembered how well Arsenal played in Paris in the second leg of last year’s semi-final. So my considered answer is: dunno.

“I’m a little bored with the hyperbole over the first leg,” writes Jose Mou- Tim Smith. “It’s like regular football folk have lost the run of themselves. So, I predict a dull, cagey, 0-1 with a late goal. Of course, I’ll probably be proven wrong within five minutes of kick off.”

“Evening Rob,” begins Andy Gordon. “As Scott’s MBM last week gave us nine goals and all-time classic, if tonight doesn’t meet expectations do we email you with complaints/refund requests?”

They should be directed to the readers’ editor, but my email will be open when the tenth goal goes in.

It was a soundbite designed to go viral, the kind the ex-pros in the TV studios are always looking to confect; snappy, heavy on hyperbole, bang in the moment. Thierry Henry made it pop on Tuesday night as he interviewed Bukayo Saka on CBS Sports after Arsenal had beaten Atlético Madrid to advance to the Champions League final. “We were the Invincibles. You will be the Unforgettables,” Henry said.

There it was, as laid out by one of the greats, the goalscoring hero of Arsenal’s unbeaten bolt to the 2004 Premier League title, the last one they won.

Saka, who scored the winner in the second leg at a delirious Emirates Stadium, and his teammates can see the path to glory. Actually, it is more than that. It would be immortality. Because if they can hold off Manchester City to win the league and add the Champions League in Budapest on 30 May, it would top anything any group of Arsenal players has achieved.

“Please spare a thought for New York,” says Peter Oh, “the only city named in the classic tune Pop Muzik that’s not alive in the Champions League. (And no, they’re no longer in the Concacaf Champions Cup either. Sorry, Big Apple.)”

Why are you bringing Kajagoogoo into this?

Go on, treat yourself

The players are on a yellow card

None. Nada. Zilch. Bugger all. The only way to miss the final through suspension is to be sent off tonight.

Ousmane Dembélé grins when he says that, if he does not press, he will be benched by Luis Enrique. The Ballon d’Or winner does not do his defensive work under duress. Like the rest of his teammates, he seems to derive enjoyment from a part of the game that was once seen as unnatural. Attackers would attack and defenders would defend; simple rules for a simple game. But demands have changed.

The forward line of Kylian Mbappé, Lionel Messi and Neymar was a mouthwatering prospect but they failed to take Paris Saint‑Germain close to a Champions League title and there was a lack of joy in their work. All attack and no defend made PSG a dull watch. There was a lesson in their failure: that football had changed and matches could not be won by the sheer weight of their attacking talent.

In the novel Rabbit, Run, John Updike has one of his characters, a groovy and progressive 1960s priest, calling round to talk to his fellow minister, a hard German Lutheran, about the secret doubts he harbours about his faith. Is the doctrine really necessary? Is hell just, you know, a metaphor? He likes Jesus. But maybe he also likes sinful things, like sex and recklessly open attacking football.

The hard German Lutheran takes one look, curls his lip and tells the groovy progressive priest to get down on his knees in the kitchen and beg for forgiveness. Who is he to reason with divine suffering? Life is pain. Joy is pain. Pain is pain. Frankly, the groovy priest who likes flying full-backs and an open midfield disgusts him. He will burn in hell for his spineless debauchery. The groovy priest leaves in tears.

Cutting straight to the views of Clarence Seedorf on Amazon Prime after the 5-4 between Paris Saint-Germain and Bayern Munich on Tuesday night felt a bit like this. Seedorf is an excellent pundit, hugely informed and quietly twinkly, with the brow, the jaw and the eyes of some terrifyingly austere US president, all brackish integrity and ramrod restraint, but dressed in golf clothing and stood next to Wayne Rooney.

What Seedorf said about the virtues of structure, about entertainment versus restraint, was in many ways very Dutch, even perhaps quite Lutheran in tone. Yes, goals are good. Fun is fine. But football is also control and defence. Football is not conceding four goals at home. Arsenal and Atlético Madrid can study this, feed on it as a weakness to be gouged open. And good luck to them both with that.