FINALLY RUNNING OUT OF TIM
Having served his country in the Vietnam and Gulf wars it would have been fair to presume Aston Villa chief suit General Charles C Krulak is an honourable man. It has, however, become apparent to The Fiver that he is most definitely not a good Football Man. Eleven days ago the Aston Villa non-executive director said: “To say [Tactics Tim] has to win [the next two] games to survive is pure speculation. Randy [Lerner] has always wanted continuity and someone there for the long term.”
But on Sunday morning Tactics Tim, having lost both those games, was bundled aboard the good ship Do One and any hope left of an English manager taking charge of a big club was knocked on its head. Instead Villa have fluttered flirtatious eyelids at Rémi Garde, the former Arsenal player and Lyon manager who was successful at a club without much money to spend, thus fitting the Villa template. It also appears the Premier League’s basement dwellers went behind Tactics Tim’s back to make contact with Garde, whose win ratio at Lyon was 51% from a sample of 117 games, and might have made their mind up about sacking him before a limp defeat by Swansea. He looks nailed on to be handed the reins.
Not that Dwight Yorke is having any of it. “There are young people ready to break into management and I don’t see any reason why I shouldn’t put my name in the hat,” the former striker said, fooling absolutely nobody over his chances. “People will say I don’t have any experience but we’ve seen people with experience go in there and struggle to do a job. In the 30 years I’ve been involved in football it’s been the same people getting job after job, so why are young managers doing all their coaching badges but not getting that opportunity?” Maybe Yorke has not realised that Tactics Tim’s previous experience amounted to a short-term spell in charge of Tottenham and he was very much a young manager getting an opportunity. And that approach has worked out oh so well.
It is fitting, however, that Tactics Tim’s legacy will be a pile of ultimately meaningless statistics. He spent 28 games in charge of Villa, the same amount he lasted at Spurs. His win ratio was a modest 39.29% but that was markedly better than Ambitious Paul and Alex McLeish, and only three of the 10 managers they have had since football began in 1992 can boast a better return. Just do not mention his sack ratio.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“We had to get the ladder to get him down. He had no shoes on and had lost his mobile phone and his hat. He was more bothered about his hat though, he seemed a smartly dressed lad. I know Barnsley lost again but it can’t be that bad, he must have had a big session for him to fall asleep for that period of time [seven hours]. It’s slightly embarrassing for the lad but it’s a lesson for him I’m sure, he’ll not be quick to forget it” – a fire service suit confirms that a Barnsley fan who had one pint of mood-enhancer too many needed to be rescued from atop a Portakabin after waking up on a toilet and making a failed attempt to escape from a locked-up Oakwell.
FIVER LETTERS
“[Bad word] me Fiver! I stupidly followed the stupid big blue stupid link at the end of your stupid email (which some days I don’t even read) which usually leads down a sad and lonely path, yes a sad and lonely path [sighs]. Yet this time it took me to … it took me to … TREASURE … WOW!” – thank you Fiver, you [bad word]!” – Steve King (and no other newly-recruited Mogwai fans).
“It’s not often I feel compelled to point out an error in your usually superb missive, but as I mentioned in the subject line of this email, NO NO NO NO NO NO NO. Mogwai Young Team will never be bettered. To suggest otherwise is like claiming that Lift Your Skinny Fists isn’t the best Godspeed You Black Emperor album. Just nonsense. Now, in order to keep balance in the world, I’m off to write a letter about Jürgen Klopp to the NME” – Philip Smith.
“Ten kilograms of cod sounds fishy (Friday’s bits and bobs). It’s most likely that Mario Jardel was carrying bacalhau, a sort of salted cod popular in Portugal and in Brazil (and considerably cheaper in Europe). Much less messy. Since his retirement, Jardel has been forging a political career here in Porto Alegre. This airport incident caps off a European trip for which he has already been castigated owing to the egregious expenditure of public money to ensure that he and his aides travelled in the greatest comfort. A Fifa career beckons” – Nick Wiltsher.
“Djinkin’ Djibril Cissé’s trousers on ‘Danse avec les stars this weekend. Nothing else to say really” – Graham Urban.
• Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet the Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is: Steve King.
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BITS AND BOBS
Big Cup tombola overlord Gianni Infantino has thrown his hat into the ring for the job of being Not Sepp Blatter. At this rate the Fiver will be doing that too.
Newcastle have decided to try out their latest material on the FA by appealing against Fabricio Coloccini’s red card against Sunderland.
Like the lads at the start of Sonnenallee, Liverpool are finding it hard to score. Unlike the lads at the end of Sonnenallee, Dirk Kuyt, 87, is not finding it hard to score. He has just bagged his second hat-trick in as many league games. In other news, you should watch Sonnenallee. It’s dead good.
Meanwhile, Jürgen Klopp has quickly got to grips with the Merseyside lingo and told everyone wondering why Liverpool haven’t already won Big Cup to calm down. “It’s like it’s the last thing in your life and we have to calm this down. Football is not a fairytale,” he helpfully confirmed.
In his first newspaper column since announcing he is battling lung cancer, Johan Cruyff said he was “very proud of the appreciation demonstrated by all the reactions”. He was less appreciative of the standard of football in Holland. “It’s enough to make you dejected,” he sniffed.
Arsenal have been given a £60,000 slap on the wrist by the FA for something to do with the Calum Chambers deal. As their last turnover was £344.5m, they should be able to afford that.
Phil Jagielka will have to wait another two months to take to the turf after he picked up a dose of knee knack in Everton’s defeat at Arsenal. “The medial ligament is affected but it is quite a straightforward injury,” diagnosed Dr Bobby M.
And Artur Boruc reckons the key to all Bournemouth’s problems is not a tactical tweak or a new manager or a snazzy, new foreign import but more hard work in training. “As a football club we need to take our @rses back to the training ground and work hard on some of the things we need to do,” he roared.
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STILL WANT MORE?
We don’t know if Big Paper’s football writers prefer Taylor Swift’s version of 1989 or Ryan Adams’ version but we do know that they have written 10 talking points from the weekend’s action.
Stuart James had it all planned out for his Sunday. He was going to take a nice stroll through the park, kicking the autumn leaves, before listening to the Archers in the bath. Tactics Tim’s sacking ruined all that and here is what Stuart has to say about it.
Paolo Bandini reckons the only way Mohamed Salah could have come back to haunt Fiorentina more was if he came knocking at their door on Halloween in a dead scary costume.
Is Jamie Vardy on his way to Real Madrid? Today’s Rumour Mill has the answer.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace.
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THIS’LL MAKE UP FOR THE LOSS OF JACKIE COLLINS
