81 min: Doue sends a ball down the left for Barcola to chase. Barcola enters the box but his cutback isn’t the most accurate. He still wins a corner, though … but that also leads to nothing. A sense that both teams would be happy enough to declare right now.

79 min: Berg tries to up the tempo with a long-range effort, but his low drive is blocked the second it comes off his boot.

78 min: Norway are seeing most of the ball right now. France seem happy enough to let them have it. There’s not a great deal going on as Group I draws to an end.

76 min: Upamecano, who has had an up and down afternoon, falling for a couple of early dummies but also making one spectacular mid-air back-heeled clearance, is replaced by Konate.

74 min: Tchouameni is booked for a late clip on Aasgaard. That yellow will hang over him for precisely 16 minutes plus stoppages: all yellows get wiped after the group stage.

72 min: Aasgaard snaffles possession 30 yards out, and slips a perfectly weighted pass to Bobb, in acres to his right. Bobb takes a poor first touch, and though he still gets a shot away, his flip towards the bottom left is weak and easily parried by Maignan. First the Strand Larsen penalty and now Bobb, Norway have had their chances to get back into this. Somewhere in the multiverse, it’s now 3-3.

71 min: The game restarts. Fourth quarter incoming!

70 min: The hydration break is also an opportunity to let off some steam, and here’s Espen B:

“I could do better than that!” is something I’ve frequently said during games throughout the years, but if I’m honest with myself it’s never been true. Up until today and Strand Larsens penalty. Goodness me, that was horrendous. Those stutter-step ones looks great if the keeper moves but when they don’t, seems like the penalty taker is clueless about what to do , yet players persists with it. What happened to just Kevin Pressman-ing it?

68 min: … and that’s drinks. The pint of pastis liqueur and chocolate-covered corn snacks aren’t ready yet, we hear, so Ventepølses all round, please.

67 min: … and now another Norweigian change, as Falchener is replaced by Langas. “I must say Stale Solbakken is some buzz killer,” writes Rob Hisnay. “The ten changes he made has killed the momentum the Norwegians had going in this World Cup.”

66 min: Cherki’s first act is to take the corner won by Dembele, but that comes to nowt.

65 min: Dembele again in acres down the right. This time he wins a corner, but before it can be taken, that’s the end of his contribution tonight. He makes way for Barcola, while Olise is replaced by Cherki.

63 min: In the other Group I game, Senegal are 3-0 up over Iraq. Scotland’s coat, previously hanging on a shoogly peg, is now being supported by a pre-chewed cocktail stick.

61 min: France pass and probe, then suddenly Doue picks up the pace down the inside-right channel and draws a foul. Olise curls the free kick towards the far stick, where Lacroix, arriving late, sidefoots wide left from close range. He was offside anyway.

59 min: … and now he’s back up and running.

58 min: Selvik is down for a spot of treatment. Or maybe he just wants a cheeky quick breather. If anyone deserves a break, it’s him. He’s had a fine game under constant fire.

56 min: Mbappe fancies some of this sweet goalscoring action, and so shifts the ball in from the left before whipping a glorious long-distance shot across Selvik and inches wide and high of the top-right corner. That wasn’t far from being right on the postage stamp, and had it been on target, Selvik – who wasn’t badly positioned – wasn’t getting there. A hell of an effort.

54 min: Schjelderup’s mere presence down the left forces Upamecano into the concession of a corner. Berg curls it teasingly towards the near post, where Ostigard gently flicks on. Anybody rushing in at the far stick, and that’s a tap-in. But there’s nobody rushing in at the far stick. Penny, thoughts, Haaland, etc.

52 min: What a chance for Norway to get back into the match. Penny for the thoughts of Haaland, sitting on the bench, and now joined on four goals in the Golden Boot race by Dembele. “As Kev The Poet might be aware,” begins Bob O’Hara, “Norwegians are used to long nights, albeit not usually at this time of the year.”

47 min: A slow start to the second half. Norway two minutes closer to respectability. “Stephen Bradfield (19 min) is only half right about ‘this sort of thing not happening in 1970’,” argues Justin Kavanagh. “England didn’t start any games with a star player on the bench, but they ended their quarter-final against West Germany with Bobby Charlton sat on it, and there’s no combing over what happened next.”

France get the second half started. Norway have made two changes: Bjorkan, who was given the runaround by Dembele, and Thorstvedt make way for Thorsby and Holmgren Pedersen.

What with Dembele’s rapid hat-trick and all, it’s easy to forget that Mbappe hit the bar after 22 seconds. Had that gone in, it’d have been the third-fastest World Cup history, behind Hakan Sukur’s 11-second effort for Turkey against South Korea in the 2002 third-place play-off, and Vaclav Masek’s 15-second strike for Czechoslovakia against Mexico in the 1962 groups. But here we are.

Half-time postbag. “I think that I’ve seen more shirt-pulls (including rips of shirts requiring replacement tops for at least two players) over the past fortnight than in any full season of football, so it was nice to see the Mbappé shirt-tug go unpenalised and the result was Dembele’s second. Is there a case to be made for players wearing mittens — or, better still, socks — on their hands?” – Fran Burke

“That hat-trick was of course completed on the 29-minute mark and took 22 minutes to score, not 32 and 25. Stop the clock for the drinks break! It’s playing havoc with the records. Perhaps Fifa don’t want it to look like four quarters, but the teams don’t change ends so it’s fine with me” – Andrew Goudie

“Appears to me that France playing a more open, attacking game under the assistant coach” – Jeff Sax

“Just two years ago Ousmane Dembélé was widely considered a never-was, if not quite yet a has-been. Not to go out on a limb here, but I think he might be good at football after all” – Kári Tulinius

“This is gonna be a long night for Norway. The defence is leaving the kind of spaces you could park a longboat in. Still, all praise to the home of Brown Cheese and concept of Ventepølse (‘waiting sausage’ - the hot dog you bring to a barbecue whilst the food cooks)” – Kev The Poet

Half-time entertainment.

45 min +5: France pass and probe. Then suddenly Dembele wedges a pass down the right and nearly releases Mbappe into the box. Not quite, too much juice on the ball, which flies out for a goal kick, but he earns a thumbs-up from his team-mate for the vision.

45 min +3: As well as inserting himself into the race for the Golden Boot, Ousmane Dembélé has become just the third player in history to score a hat-trick for France at the World Cup, following Kylian Mbappé’s three in the 2022 final, and a hat-trick and a four-goal haul for the legendary Just Fontaine in 1958, against Paraguay and West Germany respectively.

45 min +1: The first of five additional minutes, and Olise sweeps an insouciant shot over the bar from distance. The final score of this match could end up being anything.

45 min: Now it’s Doue versus Selvik in a one-on-one duel, and again the keeper does enough. Selvik has made several huge stops, he’s playing excellently, yet someone’s just scored one of the quickest World Cup hat-tricks in history past him. What you gonna do?

44 min: More end-to-end shenanigans as Aasgaard sends a ball across the face of the France goal from the right, Upamecano back-heel-volleying a clearance from a couple of yards out with Stand Larsen lurking. And then Dembele, in space on the right, messes up a cross with team-mates queuing up in the middle of the box.

42 min: Falchener chunks a backpass and allows Doue to nip in. Doue’s just got the keeper to beat, but Selvik smothers at the striker’s feet as he tries to round him.

40 min: Four goals already, plus a couple of half-decent positions for Norway. In the dugout, Erling Haaland, on four goals in this all-star race, allows himself a wry smile.

38 min: Dembele’s hat-trick is also not the earliest in a World Cup finals match, despite being completed on the 32-minute mark. Erich Probst of Austria notched one after just 24 minutes of a first-round game against Czechoslovakia in 1954. But it’s fast! My God c’est rapide!

36 min: Schjelderup is flipped up 30 yards from goal, but nothing comes of the resulting free kick. Norway don’t appear to be giving up quite yet.

34 min: That’s not the quickest hat-trick at a World Cup finals: László Kiss of Hungary needed just seven minutes in 1982 against El Salvador. But it’s fast! Mon Dieu it’s fast.

31 min: Schjeldrup slips a ball down the inside-left channel and very nearly releases Stand Larsen. Upamecano does enough to usher the striker away from the box.

29 min: Aasgaard’s flick down the left sends Schjelderup into space. A low cross to the near post. Maignan smothers, with Stand Larsen lurking. Norway suddenly fancy this now.

28 min: This match has been brilliant fun. Has the Hydration Break jiggered its momentum? Of course it has! On that very subject, here’s Daniel Storey: “Will the Viking rowers come to regret this? A cricket score could derail all momentum. There’s managing minutes and then there is playing a B team against one of the best attacks in the tournament.”

26 min: Hydration Break FIN.

24 min: … and that’s bevvies! BOOOOO go the crowd. Everyone at home meanwhile piles to the kitchen. [consults Guardian tipples and nibbles guide] A pint of pastis liqueur and some chocolate-covered corn snacks, please!

23 min: There were 72 seconds between those goals. And now France win a corner, which Olise meets on the edge of the box and smoothly whistles a shot goalwards. Blocked. The scoring ain’t over, y’all.

19 min: Aasgaard hits a speculative belter from distance. Blocked. “Although I understand the need to rest players, are fans, who have paid a lot of money to attend this game, belng short changed by Norway starting with their star player on the bench?” wonders Stephen Bradfield. “This sort of thing didn’t happen in 1970.”

17 min: Mbappe cuts in from the left and has a batter towards the bottom left. Selvik makes his third big stop of the game so far. Without him, Norway would be in all sorts already.

16 min: That’s a decent response from Norway B. They wouldn’t be human if they hadn’t been wondering what had hit them early doors. But they’re slowly getting into the game. Nevertheless, France stand-in coach Guy Stéphan looks much more relaxed than Solbakken. He’s standing in for Didier Deschamps, who is back home for his mother’s funeral. Before the game, Norway presented a bouquet to France in sympathy, a thoughtful touch.

14 min: Thorstvedt is clipped by Tchouameni out on the Norway right. A chance for Berg to swing a free kick into the mixer … which he does, but France half-clear. However the ball comes back into the box, and Stand Larsen kills it, sending Upamecano off to the shops for a copy of L’Equipe. Strand Larsen is alone, ten yards out, but blazes over the bar. Norway should be level.

12 min: Mbappe slips Olise into the box down the left. Olise tries to guide a shot across Selvik, towards the unguarded bottom right, but Ostigard slides in to block, just in time.

10 min: Strand Larsen has the chance to release Bobb, in all sorts of space down the inside-right channel, but messes up the pass. A shot’s eventually sent goalwards from long range, but the chance to seriously test Maignan is long gone.

9 min: On the touchline, Norway coach Ståle Solbakken already looks concerned. Berg picking up an early yellow card for hauling back Olise won’t help his mood.

5 min: Kone, just to the right of the D, creams a shot towards the right-hand side of the net that Selvik does very well to parry clear with a strong hand. Then Doue has a dig from distance. This one’s easy for the keeper, but that’s two big saves already by Selvik, who could be in for a busy day.

4 min: Selvik got a touch to that Mbappe shot, you know, tipping the fierce rising strike onto the post. Doing just enough to save the day. What a save that was! Had Mbappe scored, it would have been the third quickest World Cup finals goal of all time.

2 min: What a start that would have been. An early reminder, perhaps, that Norway are fielding very much their second string. “Talking about kit clashes,” begins Philip Ames, “I remember watching a game - Arsenal (in their red shirts with white sleeves) vs Sheffield Wednesday (in their blue shirts with white sleeves) - late 60s/early 70s, on the black and white tele, because we was poor. I think it was David Coleman commentating because he an obvious candidate. ‘And for those of you watching in black and white, Arsenal are in the red shirts.’ (Thanks for manning another MBM for us who are working and unable to turn the TV on. I have a color set these days.”

22 sec: Mbappe tears off down the right, enters the box, and unleashes a rising drive from a tight angle that beats Selvik only to crash off the underside of the crossbar and away. What a start that would have been! Kylian wants another Golden Boot!

A moment of silence to pay respect to the victims of the earthquakes in Venezuela. Beautifully observed. Then Norway get the ball rolling.

The teams are out at Boston Stadium, home of the New England Patriots (football) and New England Revolution (soccer). Norway wear red, while France’s kit is minty. The Norwegian national anthem is proud and stately – ♪ ♫ ♬ Love it and think of our father and mother, and the legendary night that lowers dreams upon our earth ♬ ♪ ♫ – while La Marseillaise is the greatest national anthem of all. I mean, c’mon. What a tune. We’ll be off in a minute.

Pre-match postbag. “Off to our local village salle des fêtes shortly for what’s known in this part of France as an auberge espagnol - you all bring a couple of dishes and share them communally. Then the match shown on a big screen. Loyalty to my country of residence means I shall have to support France, but Norway do have two Fulham players in the squad, so a little part of me …” – Richard Hirst

“Been traveling and I am now going to settle down in the hotel bar in front of their giant screen for the match, but the point is, if this WC were to be played in Europe today, we would need six hydration breaks. The weather is TERRIBLE” – krishnamoorthy v

“Alexei Lalas starts today’s recap of the USA loss to Turkiye by saying ‘last night I checked the flights back to Istanbul’. The very definition of Ugly American. What a d###” – Mary Waltz

“Even with the star man Haaland not playing, I’m sure Fifa will still rake in a few Bobb” – Peter Oh

As each group draws to its conclusion, hope becomes an ever more theoretical concept for poor old Scotland. But all is not quite lost yet. This particular match doesn’t have any bearing on Scottish hopes of scraping through to the knockouts, but the other Group I game between Senegal and Iraq does. Should Senegal fail to win, or Iraq fail to win by three goals, this section will throw Scotland one of the four lifelines they require to stay alive. Admittedly that would most likely boost their chance of survival from its current level of 7% to roughly 7.000001%, but baby steps. Daniel Gallan is following that match, and I’ll doubtless touch upon this subject here too, one way or another, at the very least at the very end.

Sigh.

Norway are the designated home team tonight, so they get first dibs on kit. They’ll wear their first-choice red shirts, so France switch to their second-choice light-green strip to ensure viewing isn’t a fiasco for colourblind fans. The pennant that captain Kylian Mbappé will hand over is a bit word heavy (even with the out-of-shot FFF logo, trust us) but the French tricolore is so beautiful it can handle all the heavy aesthetic lifting.

There isn’t a picture of both Norwegian shirt and their pennant on the wires, and you know what the MBM will always plump for first. But you’ll see plenty of their kit dotted throughout the report anyway, and isn’t that pennant a masterclass in Nordic minimalism?

France make four changes to the team selected to start the win over Iraq. Désiré Doué, Aurélien Tchouaméni, Théo Hernandez and Maxence Lacroix come in for Bradley Barcola, Adrien Rabiot, Lucas Digne and William Saliba, who all drop to the bench. Both teams are certain of qualifying for the knockouts, so it would appear France are placing more importance on finishing top than Norway boss Ståle Solbakken. Didier Deschamps is absent, having flown home ​to attend his mother’s funeral.

So much for that Erling Haaland versus Kylian Mbappé shootout: Norway coach Stale Solbakken has rested the striker. He’s one of ten players stood down, with the only regular starter to retain his starting spot being Benfica midfielder Fredrik Aursnes … who is being redeployed tonight at right-back.

… and here’s what France have gotten up to. A Kylian Mbappé double double, giving us a chance to double down on our double-double riff with a double-double-riff double.

Here’s how Norway have done so far. An Erling Haaland double double.

This is how we saw it from the outset. Not much has changed. Yet. Reacquaint yourself with both squads, and let’s go.