WE’RE GOING DOWN THE PUB
Another week in the wonderful world of football is reaching its end. And do you know what? The Fiver has not got a clue what to write about. Usually this day would be reserved for the Big Cup draw but Uefa have moved that to Monday, just to justify their ongoing existence. And for at least the past 24 hours, no one in the wonderful world of football has been racist, done any corruption, been barred from owning a club or awarded a major tournament to Dimension X, with Uncle Sepp yet to strike up a mutually beneficial deal with Krang. That’ll be happening eventually, as soon as Fifa scientists develop a special cryogenic suit for Uncle Sepp that will allow him to rule Fifa and, by logical extension, the world for ever … but not yet. Some time around the year 2056 and the Fiver can guarantee that it will still be around to riff on that in unfunny fashion when it does come to pass, assuming it hasn’t been replaced by a daily tea-time gif of a blindfolded cat playing the national anthem on the guitar and also that the clever people at Fiver Towers stop watching episodes of Pinky and the Brain and get on with building the Fiver a special cryogenic suit.
But as for the here and now, the people you can normally count on to provide us with plenty of amusement are being unusually sensible, the spoilsports. What to place under the satirical microscope instead? Football? The football that the football teams do on the pitch with the football ball? Hmm. Well, it’s a novel idea and maybe it will catch on. But who to focus on? It’s a right old quandary.
For a start, Alan Pardew has resolutely been refusing to give credit to himself again before Newcastle’s trip to Arsenal, who are out of crisis after the defiance and heroism they displayed in their crucial Big Cup win over Galatasaray the other night. That’s an impressive one-game winning streak for the Gunners, so they’re out of the question. As for Chelsea, they’ll be without Thibaut Courtois for their game against Hull City but that just means that Petr Cech will play and he’s really good at saving and stuff. Yawn! As for Manchester City, there’s a global conspiracy against them, so we’ll be ignoring them. Even if they win 10-0 everyone would rather talk about cheese or Nigel Farage’s performance on that cookery show he went on last night. City might win 10-0 actually, they’re playing Leicester, who are managed by charm school’s Nigel Pearson. But, sorry, global conspiracy, nothing that can be done.
Which leaves us with Sunday’s mouth-drying clash between the Premier League’s two favourite pub sides, Plucky Little Manchester United and Brendan Rodgers’s A-Level Philosophy Project. Urgh. Previously this would have been the biggest match of the season but not any more. The Philosophy Project are so bad that they’re crying out for the days of Sean Dundee, Bernard Diomède and Fernando Torres, while Plucky Little Manchester United, having spent no money at all in the past few transfer windows, have battled against all the odds to rise to third in the league, despite not being very good. In a way, Plucky Little Manchester United are the surprise package of the season and they’re somehow faring even better than giants like Southampton and West Ham, a romantic feelgood story that has captured all of our hearts. It really is a great story, the improbable rise of United from the nether regions of seventh place all the way up to the heady heights of third, and should ensure that you go into the weekend with merriment in your soul.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“I was accused of falling inside the box in a match and it’s true I did it that time because we were drawing against Stoke at home and we needed anything to win it” – Luis Suárez, 16 January 2013.
“I was accused … of being a diver and throwing myself on the ground. It is lies” – Luis Suárez, today.
OUR NEW LOOK (AKA, SELF-FLAGELLATION DEPT)
Big Website’s football and sport pages have a new look. Check them out for yourself, read about the design changes, and then queue up, flaming pitchforks in hand, to complain here.
FIVER LETTERS
“While Kerron Cross (and 1,056 others) are correct about a bushel being designed to be placed over a light [yesterday’s Fiver letters], there is nothing that stops a bushel being placed in front of a light; while it is being lit, for example. When ‘Aaron Ramsey … removed the bushel from in front of his light’ perhaps he just was being tidy” – John-Paul Keates
“Chelsea have announced that they will pay all their employees the London living wage. How are JT and the rest of the first team gang going to manage on that?” – Peter Lamprell.
“Re: yesterday’s quote of the day. I thought the waxwork of Ben Foster was very realistic … but who the hell was that on the left?” – Dave Gill.
“For anyone who watched the entire video of the Arsenal fans at Stoke train station, I’m doubtless in thinking the most surprising thing to come out of it is that anyone knew what Joel Campbell looked like” – Shaun Payne.
• Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet the Fiver. Today’s winner of our letter o’the day is: John-Paul Keates, who wins our final copy of Football Manager 2015, courtesy of the very kind people at Football Manager Towers.
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BITS AND BOBS
Rangers manager Ally McCoist is currently doing the hokey cokey in and out of the door at Ibrox.
Aaron Ramsey will have to jostle with (Fiver takes deep breath): Theo Walcott, Jack Wilshere, Mesut Özil, Mikel Arteta, Abou Diaby, Tomas Rosicky, David Ospina, Serge Gnabry, Nacho Monreal and Laurent Koscielny for a go on the Arsenal physio table after twanging a hamstring against Galatasaray that has ruled him out for four weeks.
Newcastle’s Alan Pardew has won the Premier League manager of the month gong for November. “It is nice to be recognised,” he cheered from an imaginary open-top bus.
Giovanni Trapattoni has used all the spare time he has these days to have a pop at Mario Balotelli. “When he hangs up his boots he will realise the many opportunities he has wasted,” blabbed Trap, not being clear whether he was referencing the striker’s poor goal return or ability to attract controversy like a Weird Uncle Fiver Special Pub Rant.
And Manchester City will give 17-year-old Bulgarian twinkle-toes Bozhidar Kraev the chance to prove he’s better than James Milner on a trial spell at their fancy new academy.
STILL WANT MORE?
When our hacks aren’t on the look out for cheap Christmas gifts, the police or half-eaten sausage rolls, they’re sniffing out 10 things to look forward to in the Premier League at the weekend. Here’s their latest offering.
Sachin Nakrani takes us back to the days of Gina G, loafers, cans of Skol, Nintendo 64s and THAT golden goal by Gazza at Euro 96. Enjoy.
Middlebrough fans will remember pre-brolly Steve McClaren fondly when the post-brolly, pseudo-Dutch, Euro-travelling version returns to the Riverside with table-topping Derby tomorrow, reckons Louise Taylor.
Barney Ronay dons his tin hat and suggests Manchester United v Liverpool wasn’t always a hate-fest as the two clubs meet in reduced circumstances.
Barney has been a busy man – here’s his homage to Andy Carroll
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FRIDAY? FRIDAY?
